暗闇の中を私..ために誰か待っているに住んでいるような感じ

happy sad early birthday ...

2011-05-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

haiz... kinda mix feeling right now.. happie cause someone planning for my b'day .. my dear and bebe... haiz.. sad because i need ask for myself.. just wonder.. how could it be.. if you straight me a suprise to me.. you plan everything .. you do everything.. accually that wan what i was wishing for for so long time ago.. haiz.. sometimes i do notice that things not going to be what you wan it to be.. felt really so sucks.. right now..

BEBE

you keep say always you ask you ask... ends up.. also i as de la.. recently.. you think back and refresh .. haiz.. you say you wan make suprise yea i do feel happy de.. haiz.. but.. each time you keep on asking me to ask .. and you keep on like pushing to me.. you think i like it ma??? haiz.. i know my parents ... you ask sure they'll wont talk much ... but.. i guess you dunno what happen just now.. haiz.. sometimes i really wish that you do everything and dun let me frust or thing of anything.. you decide it... but.. when i ask you do ... did you??? haiz... you said you not enough money .. i already try not to use it.. and ask from you.. you said... i talk with my ex.. i tell you now... i already less talk with him.. even i talk also just a normal chat only.... haiz.. when only you believe and understand how would i feel??? sometimes i really dunno how you feel and your atitude,, just ... keep on change... haiz.... dunno le.. i'm really happy to be with you.. some of the certain time.. i love to see when you laugh .. when you smile.. when you sad or mad .. really making me so damn piss you know that?? did you notice that...???? haiz,,. whne can you learn to know more things and understand me??? i'm tired.. yesterday i cry just right beside you do you know ma//////????? did you really understand and ask me what happen to me this and that??? haiz.. guess.. you know yourself.. but i guess you also wont be looking at this bloggy then.. when i cant find some one to speak and deppressed here.. this my diary ... i told you for an ages. guess.. you wont look at it le.. to understand more about me..

LIFE IN COLLEGE

yup.. been selected as leader.. gees.. really freaking stress.. making me like a jerk man.. sorry guys.. i'm not a good leader which i cant lead you'll i know.. and i'm sorry to waste you'll time and making you'll down.. but .. sometimes really hard to make you'll to be gather.. soon the one that always ponteng... oh jin jie.. leg injure .. cant walk much... betty .. the only one that busy.. and work.. haiz.. cant say much .. yea she do a lots of jobs.. but.. en.. dunno why sometimes can feel that she's talking bad about me.. for wasting much time,.. and management.. gees.. felt like a little girl .. dunno le.. really damn stress man... haiz.. how do i need to gain they'll to get back hyper le.. haiz.,. useless de me.. sorry lle.. follow this noob and weak de leader...

LIFE AT HOME

day by day .. home cook .. mum always break those fucking promises.. always say no money this and that ,... now i already understand what my daddy say to me .. now i really understand a lots.. haiz.. just now.. haiz.. today .. i just ask a permissiong and tell them that i wanna go for a trip next week for 2days.. one word jau say.. from lou tao.. you no need study meh., you study and no study also no different de la.. haiz. say i "tuk si pian " den said this and that ... den i said that day is my b'day .. they'll already plan for me de... not to say that sin jam hou jau.. i wanna told them.. i haven book.. .den when i wanna explain,.. lou tao and mummy jau say .. okay stop.. i dun wan listen any explanation from you.. bla bla bla.. you study and no study also waste of money only.. haiz.. dunno le.. anything.. den mummy said b'day so big meh.. bla bla bla.. den i say yea la.. how.. haiz.. i got my own decision to go for a trip also cant???? c'mon already 20... why not?? and .. den mummy said .. arent you suppose to give a priority to family 1st.. in my heart is.. why cant you give me decide ,.. and you let me go aren't that makes me more happy and a present.. i dun need any present from you both .. i dun need you'll to remember my b'day i just need to go for a trip that's it.. mum already broke promise that i cant get a camera.. and now the advance.. you think i so happie when i go to school .. in fear.. cause the headmaster keep on ask about my fees how.. and the admin keep ask me how.. haiz.. felt like i'm the one who owe money.. really makes me feel so badly.. den.. sumor lou tao one word jau say.. " huh.. i also dunno your birthday is when and i dun wanna know...just forget it forget it" gees.. that was a huge .. that making me damn freaking sad and hurts so badly .. haiz. felt so stupid that i'm still at here in this freaking damn house.. i think sooner ... things going back like last time.. where i turn to emo and moody .. dun care.. or maybe i turn to another person.. who know's that time just now.. i really wanna run from the house .. just too much pain that i keep on staying in this freaking damn house..

sadness

2011-03-29T09:34:00.000-07:00

haiz.. really kinda weird mood right now.. really dunno what to do ... dunno do what wrong... haiz.. sad.. you said you today go pasar malam.. den jau .. nevermind ba.. tot you wan relax.. den i keep quiet.. haiz.. when back dunno why you like this,.. turn like so mad.. haiz.. ask you .. you jau said tired.. haiz.. me also stress and tired... atleast i still jokes.. and stuff.. haiz.. you?? even after dinner.. you like no ask no nothing.. wish you ask me some.. haiz.. dunno le.. eat so much chili.. that's why i vomit.. even i vomit,.. you only ask me .. okay anot .. den no mood.. haiz.. dunno.. take table give you do things..haiz.. you jau use small table.. dunno you... anything ba.. you jau mad.. those fucking face.. haiz.. how i wanna stand.. ask you thing ... wan help you not.. you jau no word... I'M SO PISS AND SOOO TIRED!!!!!!! really when i need you... you . haiz.. speechless.. even now you infront of me.. me and you .. just a friend those kind... haiz... guess.. you and me .. relationship.. no longer like last time..anything.... just tired... haiz..

i'm getting so tired

2011-03-10T07:24:00.000-08:00

really need someone right now... haiz.. when i need you where you ??? haiz.. every night i'm hiding under the blanky crying do you know ma??? i'm sad and stress do you know?? when i get stress and you knew about it why you dun wan help me to release le? haiz.. why le????? sometimes i do feel kinda lonely ... felt sometimes i do feel like i'm single.. really .. dunno how to say le... i wan you make me happy also hard le... not make me more stress and keep on quarrel with you ar.. i dun wan this kind of life.. just.. haiz...

when you cant finish your homework... i put my things away and help you .. you did promise last time that you'll finish it.. so that you wont disturb me... haiz... dunno le... sometimes i really do envy others ppl.... really.. haiz.. dunno le.. cant we just sweet like last time.. i think you and me getting like so awkward.. and always quarrel.. maybe.. haiz.. dunno le.. cant barely smile this few days.. dunno how to say..

at home.. mum owe a lots of debt .. haiz.. aunty diana sms ask about cash... college jackie ask about cash.. haiz.. car need repair.. just i . i'm tired de.. i really cant handle this pressure... dunno how.. haiz... mum turn another person.. lou tao come home keep on nagging .. whatever i do the things also get scolded.. haiz..

in college.. only the assignment .. really dunno how to handle it my ownself.. unlike you .. i can help you.. sometimes.. i do feel so tired,........ now recently help you do your thing i cant barely do my own stuff.. i help you i hope you change .. do homework early.. you said you lost your file and sutff.. you know last time me too .. i lost my own file .. i find my self i do it ... my ownself .. no like you ask ppl jau can .. haiz... nothing ba.. you got into this also my fault..

frustration...

2010-09-05T23:37:00.000-07:00

what can i say now... recently kinda a lots of things happen.. haiz.. mum seems like getting avoiding us.. i heard from my colleague said that .. she was planning to stay out from the house for few days.. and stuff.. beside that.. really totally speechless le.. really too much pain in the house.. ppl said in house was heaven.. but now.. i felt that in hell.. back home.. either quarrels.. argument .. and stuff .. really sick of it de le.. too much pain on what i can say.. and talk a bout it.. tired of it..just wonder when only can stop all this le.. can say that getting less of happiness le.. to compare with last time.. what can i say and talk about it?? even in love.. really .. dunno how le.. yea i do love.. but dunno why felt that lack of something.. just like something missing.. haiz.. another one,.. kinda miss sometimes where he usually speak and make jokes to me.. miss all the moment that had alrealdy pass

I'M SORRRY

2010-05-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

... just feel so sorry the one who love me.. and cares me alots.. really sorz for everything you had did to me... really kinda hearthache when all stuff happen at once.. i really cant even face it myself and do it.. haiz.. dunno le.. just... maybe this was not the right time... accually i was planning had my b'day with the one i love or maybe whole bunch of buddies like that... but seems .. this year i really feel wanna celebrate alone ... haiz.. really so kinda upset right now.. i can ttbarely smile right now.. felt like too much things to fan and stuff .. haiz.. hate myself for out of sudden.. kinda.. haiz.. speechless right now.. just wanna say sorry to you... sorz .. i really couldn't accpet any relationship now.. cause.. it's been so hurt... for 2month ago.. haiz... hate it...hate myself... hate to be in love for so frust ....

ASSIGNMENT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-05-07T01:49:00.000-07:00

GEES... kinda long dint bloggy de.. lolx.. haha.. too much asssignment!!!! ARGH!!!!!! HELP ME !!!!!!!!!!!!I WAN IDEAS!!!!!!!!!!I WAN PPL HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

uplaoding.....

2010-03-28T00:18:00.000-07:00

gees.. in this few weeks.. kinda feel a lots different kind of feels... feel of happy.. sad.. moody.. heart broken ...and others weird feelings.. haiz... last week just broke up with him.. kinda feel like wasted.. but what to do.. cause... we choose to let go... and seriously on that day.. really kinda hurt and dissappointed what he told me about it... kinda feel like .. really speechless... haiz... feel like so damn heart broken... when i reach school.. i cried.. in car... really loud i guess.. i think should be long time i dint cry till so loud and so really dunno how to say... kinda weird man... haiz.. but atleast for what i had promise him... that i 'll happy always and try to take care my own... from that day onwards i continue my road and my way... back to class like normal...and try hang out with some crazy buddies.. trying to think positive... lolx.. really need to thx to that fella who told me about it.. *think positive... only got way out.. if i keeping it in.. only make the brain jam... and more things to fan and dunno do what* what la... that's whyy from that day onwards i always remember this word till now... Think positive way...so till now doing the same thing... everyone ask us why we break who ask and who say it out first.. let's consider as... both saying out... and both also dun wan feel the burden anymore that's it.. i choose the road i wan him to realize and wake ... haiz.. dunno le..all i wan him now is focus to his exam only.. for this moment...really need rush my assignment and get myself busy as .. too many things that i really damn frust de... really each time i back home i'm sick of it.. really .. like no time to make myself comfortable with it.. dunno le... haiz... just wonder when only i can feel back home sweet home.. haiz.. just wonder why my mum turn till so really dunno how to say ... haiz... more too like showing off and others.. really hate it a lots....!!! haiz.. but anyway... haha.. i still got one crazy buddies and still can chill and laugh about .. and the one who really und me.. make me happy... really few that can make me chill.. even my god daughther... lolx... haha...guess... i stopp mumble now.. as the thing keep on repeating like grand ah ma... haha.. sakai de.. joker... i just can wish and pray things will goes well jek... haha... and wan everyone nearby me happy always... that's it... lolx...

WHAT'S MY MISTAKE... WHY ME...I'M TIRED..

2010-01-22T18:55:00.000-08:00

HAIZ.... i do what my mum ask me to do... recently...really so innocent get FUCK UP... haiz.. really no idea what's going on... and what happen/..i wanna concentrate on study... wan to try study hard... although i have no choice to choose... haiz... before i take in this ID... i had quarrel with her about the study thingy... haiz... i try my best ... but i fail... haiz... wanna take my own career...but she... haiz... quarrel till fainted... haiz... FINE...i take the iD... what the hell... reeally so sick... haiz... doctor said i cant too tired or too emotion... i'm really sick of it... how cant i stop all this.. each time i talk to her sure quarrel and she faint or heart attack... haiz... i have no choice... haiz... what this should happen to me. not to say i dun wan help her in work... but really each time i back to the office i really nothing to do... haiz... sit and do nothing... damn it... she always compare me and another gal.. haiz... sad... she said she ask that gal what also can answer... but me...nothing... damn it...not i dunno just you dun teach.. each time i ask you dun tell .. give those reason.. damn it... say dun fan me... this little thing ask next time... or even said get lost.. haiz... when she wan thing she can get it... she wan what or require what also we give... but me??? or others... non.. and NO... damn fuck it,... i'm really sick of itt... haiz... even i work so long in here... i really know nothing about this company... the wood the curtain or anything...i dunno... not to say completely dunno yea i know few.. haiz... just ... sometimes i notice her.. she only teach outsider... or the one she love only.. she keep think me not the one to help... she even ask me to open one damn company... under my name... haiz...you think i happy if i got this? it sucks... i open one company which is i dunno anything much about it... eg: last time tailor come den i ask need how long need to measure and cut... she ask me to back off... damn it... last time she said.. next time open the damn company den jau need give effort on it... i said okay le... i measure and cut.. this and that.. she so damn suddenn ask me back off... and get lost... haiz... ppl dunno how den mai ask the tailor lo.. den she ask me keep quiet... she busy..haiz... sometimes i really dunno what she wan... haiz... den sometimes i get scolded so damn innocent... not sometimes is everytime... haiz... nowdays... i know she rush those houses... haiz... like all she also handle... ppl ask wan any help not... she said no ..no need your help ... haiz... ends up now she sick... haiz... really so tired and sick of staying at home.. last time lou tao sunday work she scold ppl that sunday is FAMILY DAY.. now... all sunday no activity de.. only spend time with family... now days... haiz... she keep work on sunday.. haiz.. make till lou tao also dun like it de... haiz....she's the one make things worst she's the one make all of us worry her.. and getting angry of her... sometimes i get scolded for no reason... haiz... recently... i also notice that i'm getting tired... and easy faint de... guess.. i'm too tired and my stupid throid thingy again... haiz... she keep said fan about work this and that.. ppl ask wan help she said dun wan... b4 i enter this company she said let le out this and that...follow her work that's why i come back from KL... now... sit offfice do nothing... i know nothing about excel...or form format or what PO>>DO>>>OR what ... those office work i know NOTHING...haizz... yesterday night... backk home... lou tao ask go whr eat... den she said she lunch 5sum only eat... haiz... lou tao & bro 4sum eat... thaat time 8sum sure all hungry... except mmummy... haiz... just because she not hungry or anything all wait for her together dinner at 10pm... i ate brunch at 12... tilll 10pm only eat again... cause me gastric... haiz... we use to sit together and eat and chat.. but she... once sit together ... keep talk about THOSE FUCKING WORK & MONEY...money really so important??? or family???? haiz... i'm really sick of staying at this family....sometimes i ask myself i'm not good enough meh... do whatever mum ask me to do... haiz... force to do something i dun like... go school den back office work... fetch bro... back homee cook dinner.. less go out...i'm not good enough meh.. she always said i go out... damn it la.. haiz... so damn innocent... now in her brain... 7days also working day.... now me too 7days.. also fucking working day... damn it.. 7days... do nothing at office only sit... haiz... mum change ... haiz... i'm the one who suffer.. sometimes really wan out from the fucking house... i hate the house... eachh time i go back.. really tired and sick of it...haiz... her beloved ivan and her nelson dun scold de... only me ... keep on scold and nagging non stop... eeveryday allso scold.. say this and that..even she wrong also scold me ... haiz... even... sometimes she delay things.. den she go tell other i delay her things... haiz...yesterday his mum ask my mum weather can bring me go KL not this week... 2 days 1night... den she reply ... err.dunno yet.., she need go outstation.. den when i call her and ask.. den she scolded me .. talk many bullshit... said... if you wan go mai go lo... you wan i work till soo san fu you can go geh... i stay office... this and many bul shit.. den turn off the phone... haiz... ppl ask her got what thing to do she jau say this say that.. ppl ask her anything help she said no... haiz...really so shame of it...

duSt..^^ long time no upload..

2010-01-18T00:04:00.000-08:00

gees...second week at my new ERA TECH COLLEGE.. ^^ haha.. today ... lolx... asking few question... about what's design.. this and that.. bla bla & bla.. haha... draw a very weird pic... acually is a combination from each of every student in our class figure... lolx.. mine is spec... haha... really damn funny... after a result of drawing the whole thingy... the thing.. the human we drawed... it's like ahh gua only... lolx.. beh tahan.. keep on laughing... gees.. really bad in drawing... weak on it... tomorrow photoshop... haha... looking forward... aftter the class... came down... i got the sakai stupid saman.. DAMN IT... (*CRIES) SAKAI DE.. wuwuwu... T.T den tell him... den he yau said bla bla bla & bla... sakai de... den went to big tree leg.. tot wanna eat more thing really extreamly hungry... lolx...but.. too bad... he dint eat.. only i eat... beh syok lo.. only me alone eat.. haiz... no feel wanna continue eat lo... den had quarrel with him.. really dunno what's going on le... recently really too many things happen le.. haiz... *pfft what can i do with it... just.. reallly lost communication like that le.. dunno why... haiz.. forget it ba... things happen and going on.. day by day.. tired... sick of it... trying to live happily... tring to stay focus... but yet ... things not going well... thou... haiz... dunno... just... yesterday see those kids talking about life and those thingy.. really wanna continue happy with it... i tried to face what's infront... really hard man... atleast i tried///.. but... haiz... just only someone makes like me really dun wanna face like this... i wont blame on him.. but... just too weak for me... tired of it...

CHRISTMAS

2009-12-21T01:44:00.000-08:00

*christmas coming soon... another 4days...

*r@nDomLy~

2009-12-21T01:25:00.000-08:00

*dunno wannn say what now... reallt too many things in my mind right now... lol...
on saturday ... bought present for both parents... on that day... dunno ... what happen with him.. he suddenlly turn so upset... like.. i ask hiim what he also cant tell me... den.. kiss him.. asking him to tell me infront of me.. he cant barely tell out.. i tot i might be do something wrong that might hurt him or anything.. dunno why... tears keep on falling... till..sam tet.. attend one gathering.. kinda little left out.. those form 4's dint really care ... but... when i meet with those form 3.. lol.. they'll like so crazy.. hug me... kinda lttle fun... but.. yet the same time worried about him. he ask me to talk with them.. but... accually i dint talk much.. reach till hall.. sit like almost 30minutes.. beh tahan.. need eat my heart medicine.. suddeenlly jump fast.. haha.. lucky dint faint... maybe too hot inside.. and kinda loud volume.. my throid med also out-of-service de... lol.. today the 4th day no eat medicine... seems like getting more tired.. and more pain... dunno why.. haha... till now still sick... haiz.. cham... on that night i only know ... why he sad about... till next day.. morning tot wanna have another great day... but... ends up.. mum and lou tao quarrel.. damn freaking fan... haiz... even he.. also still sad... not to say i dun wan to make him happy .. i tries but i fail... i wanna make you happy... but ... too tired... really suddenlly so san fu... plus... the next day get more worst my stupid flu and little fever.. haaiz... till need work from morning till night only can get back home.. sakai de... damn tired... yesterday.. really i make him upset badly.. i guess.. haiz.. dunno le... forget it ba... cried alots yesterday night... till cant really stand... suddenlly so san fu.. ate medicine... ate flu medicine tot i can sleep... but... cant sleep.. damn it... den tot i might chat with him to feel batter... but.. haiz... only get worst... den i ask ivan take soluble for me..as my stupid flu making me more worst cant barely breath... den den drink soluble... another 15minutes.. still cant feel better or sleepy.. as .. me and him still like hate and love.. haiz... wondering i'm i good gf? or why i so stupid? or anything will be... just like.. a gap between us de.. like getting far apart... haiz... no understanding... no communication.. no sweetness.. just bitter... dunno why... den i took another 2active fast... have a chat with him... yet still keep on sneezing... damn san fu... why sick also need to suffer all this kind of pain... pain where the feelings mixing.. and wondering... i dunno... really so tired... my suddenlly my neck.. my lower head get more paining... and heart keep on pumping... ends up.. i get tired ... thinking.. and fall asleep.. haiz... just all night praying him not to be sad.. and hope he can be happy... me and him together... and hpe that more understanding... that's it... haiz... really since genting that day.. till now.. me and him really like getting away and away.. far apart... dunno how long can we stand ... left the memories... those happy moment... maybe... i dunno... sadness than happiness this month... i guess.. to me... just wish i wanna have a happy chirstmas only.. i dun wish anything i just wan nice christmas only.... a happy christmas... memorable moment...

~END OF THE WORLD~ yawn...

2009-12-08T23:43:00.000-08:00

lol... finally i can watch the 2012.. but anyway... really kinda nice movie... hehe... i still make promise that i sure watch with my boy... and my family... lol... really nice movie...hehe...really dunno why... when i fetch him... he dint even see or speak a word... just call my parents ... den no word say to me... reach jj... it's like me and he far apart... really dunno what's going on with him... wonder... why like that...*forget it ba...continue.. the movie really talk about many things.. really a lots of meanings in it... really... kinda scare when i watch it... cant really imagine how would it look like... when that Will happen in another two years... really wonder... will the government prepare the ark for us.. like in the bible said... about Noah story... or maybe... die like that.. is the money can save our life? or fate to be save.. or maybe... fate to be die.... really cant predict what will happen.. life really un predicted ... what is going to happen it will happen... ppls do ignore the things..and might think.. 2012 movie is just entertainment... but acually is wasn't.. cause.. due with the things that sign ... warning about the things... those scientist... testing about nuclear.. in north pole.. making more worst... really too many things happen... in this world... really .... the movie really mean a lots of things... human can be united... money is not everything....you must appreciate what you have now... do the things that you still can... enjoy...try to make the day happy... while you still can live... *continue.. after that movie... den we back home... but...nothing much happen ... cause really too tired de.. just got one simple kiss and sleep... how good i can have a hug... before i sleep... *skipped neway... enjoy while we can.. i just wanna wish i can make a happy moment with him.... wanna he become for loving.. caring... and funny only.... like the last time we use to be laugh in phone...

*sLe3pY

2009-12-08T23:00:00.000-08:00

nothing to say much today.. yea.. kinda a lots of things in my mind right now... but lazy to write all out... feel like wanna tell him everything .. but...kinda afraid that he misun or anything... whatever... just wanna say little...oh yea... neway... on last saturday my wish came true... but... doesn't really fulfills all... accually by the time i reach genting already... when i see those accesories... and the decoration... that time i just think... how good that i can see him now.. and take pic with him... wanna make a memorable moment....once i check in... he ask me to go side... and i saw him,,, alcually that time really kinda shock when i saw him... i know he treat me good enuf.. but dunno why something missing... maybbe he was too tired... but anyway.. he slept in my room... atleast he got place to sleep.. till next morning... ate breakfast.... walk... but... really dunno why when i'm in mood of taking pic... like usual.. each time at genting... with him... but this time... really dunno why... he face is like... awh... man... cant discribe it... haiz.. i tot i was trying to enjoy with him... i wear... that hair... tot he might happy... when he come from toilet... but... nothing happen... haiz... really dunno wan sad or what... really ... weird... not i dun wanna tam him or what... but just ... dunno why... 2 years in realationship... is like 3month only... like... i really dunno how to discribe... i know he did a lots of things... take his money out for me... but... really i dunno how to discribe it... haiz... something was missing... maaking me feels like he turning back like the last time he was... to be honest ... yes i do... happy and gam tong when he at genting... but at the same time i was sad either ... cause seeing him like this tired... and really dunno why ... giving kind weird attitude.. avoiding... eg:i went to starbuck... meet my uncles and mum.. den i ask him pui i chat a while... den out of sudden he said he wanna go back to room watch tv... i really do damn speechless.. alcually that time after i chat with them a while... wanna go take pics with him...wanna walk around wanna make the candle hand thingy... but... ends up... ... after that time... really no mood... even though he ask me to takee pic... that time i was trying to hold my tears... wonderiing what's going on with him... and why you wanna become like that.. why each time we wan to enjoy .. but also got sad moment... damn it.. is not to humilate... or saying things harsh... but... really... i wish ... you can become... the one that i wanna you to be... pls dun become back the last time you were so cool... or what...i just wanna get hugs.. wanna feel that i was care and someone can cheer for me all the time...some one that can leave me a memories that is something that is worth it...Sorry baby... i know you work hard ... and wanna make me happy... baby... all i wish that .. i wanna become who you are.. the one that is funny ... and caring... i dunno weather you are making in front of me ... or maybe is in you... it just... something was missing as i said... last time we use to be jokes... and talk a lots.. but... really like getting lesser... when i sad.. i wanna you make me laugh... when i happy we together happy... is you did... eventually .. i will did the same thing.. although i did.. but seems like you dint care much thou... of maybe you dint notice... sometimes really kinda weird... the cake i made for you .. you just put aside.. although when is upside down... many things either... really.. something missing... the more we together become like this... the more bad things will happen... i can say it... altough we already 2years... also become like this.. i just wonder... how about another few more years are we stilll together? or what..only you know about it...

~p@sT i$ p@sT~

2009-11-25T23:53:00.000-08:00

what had already pass jau pass de le... can denied it... today really no idea what i'm going to say and talk... but... just let it be.... although too many things happen recently.. really going thru a very hard time.... just... moment already pass de... it became history.. and no longer to be remember... but... what if a sweet moment??? it just make it keep haunted you ... for the rest of your life only... first when together... sure happy and enjoy.. but when things turn bad.. and hard going thru... things goes... worst... just broken to few pieces... eg: like a glass fell on floor... and brokes into few pieces.. and just left a piece of memories... and nothing.. some need time to forget the someone left those precious moment... those happiness... but some... dint care or think about it... and had a new life.. but .. to me seems like really hard... yea although tot can find a real love that can stand long.. but ends up destroy... kinda frust and hard to accept it... but ... what if the ppl ask back you and wan you together back with him... but both also already had own life... but still have the love remain... but... to me... as i said... past already past.. cant become present... or maybe... if we got fate... we still can together in future... cause life really un predicted... just appreciate what you having now...and had own life... dun lie to the partner... and be happy for them.. yea.. although is hard.. but just let it be... have a own life... own way... *yawn... sweepy... headache... i also dunno what i'm mumbling... lolx....anyway.. just write whatever in my brain...

*si@nz... i told de.. i'm the one who really hard predict...

2009-11-24T00:09:00.000-08:00

really no idea... what the heck i listen really kinda really feel so disappointed... and dunno others mix feels too.. i know... mum are still my mum... she raise me... and do this... but.. sometimes i really cant stand that i kept secret for her... and getting blame... or even using me to help her... or even she now destroying family where i having now... really enough for this de... after what she did... although i know family are the closest person... but... seems like to me... she's dun really care about it.. she care about money and wealth... luxury... haiz... as me and my bro's keeping quiet.. even my stepfather.. still on her side... just that... since young... mum cares bro than me... even my dad... really so obvious that since young they did for so long... but i also dint care much.... or know about it... as long as i'm still taking care of my bro's enuf de... i got care for her... but how much did she care for me? yea she did care for me... but she really over do it... by forcing... accountancy.. to catering... and now interior design? really dunno how many times i need to listen to her... dad told me to be careful what my mum will do..i'm a person who care family than friends... but... sometimes i do really disappointed that .. stepfather or even mum said that i care outsider ... friends or even loves one... damn it... monday to sunday everyday at home... or office work... by doing nothing... sometimes i really thinking i'm i doing the right thing... helping her like this by destroying my own dreams ???just to fulfills her wish...???? haiz... she got care meh... even i sick... i go see doc my self... even bro sick i taking care if bro but she??? haiz.. even got time she go shopping only... and she always said to others ppl... i'm doing this job just because of interest... not for money... den another face that she told us 3... she said she do this for us... haiz... for what... i know you did this... but... family already got few business de... electronics... and accountancy de... what for need so much.. we can earn money fast... but only that will destroying family feels only... a lots of argument... and others stuff.., or even understanding...you know... since young ... dad already went to KL for a long time... just work... i nt really see him so much...yea.. i know .. and i do know he did wrong.. got mistress outside... i dun really care.. yea... i do hate him a while.. for not coming back.. and did this... destroying family... actually i do appreciate family feels.. but... haiz... things really doesn't goes very well... hiaz... lost the family feels for so long de... that's why keeping inside so long... without telling all out... who .. or someone or a child just wan a simple wish that... just wanna have perfect family... enjoying... and communicate.... haiz.. forget it.. i know... maybe you'll might feels that i selfish or maybe coward... or what so ever... but... i guess no one will und how would i feels for a time being... cause too much things keeping inside... and i really dint know how to speak all out...all this just part of it... better stop saying... *life really really unpredictable..trying to facing what is in front... and try so finish the day... trying to make life better... and happier... on that day... even though going thru a hard time...but... really so hard to facing all this... ALONE....

how good..

2009-11-23T05:43:00.000-08:00

MY LIFE GET BETTER ...

i really wish that i can get back my own family...
really wishing she return back normal...
really wishing that how good she dun over do...
really wish that stop scolding me... really sick of her keep scolding me...
although i been 2month in KL... no ppl scold me... honestly speaking... i really dint miss that she keep on scolding me... but... tortoise said he did miss her mum scolding.. but to me... i dint miss at all.. i just... wan back the mum who is last time.. not so fierce.. and thinking much better...not like now.. haiz... keep scold and get blame so innocent... dunno when only get back the one i wish.. haiz...

BESTIES...a friend for life...
a gal that talks with and knows me...
although she cant always out... but... even she talks with me... i already feels release..
A LOTS....what la.. cant speak much... cause cant think much... appreciate what you had..
*Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate.

THE ONE I LOVES.... although he tries so hard to comfort me and cheer me... but..really sometimes dint really help .... something or sometimes not in a right time...
*Love feels no burden, regards not labors, strives toward more than it attains, argues not of impossibility, since it believes that it may and can do all things. Therefore it avails for all things, and fulfils and accomplishes much where one not a lover falls and lies helpless.

*sigh...

2009-11-23T05:28:00.000-08:00

really no idea.. what the heck i did... and seems like everyone scold and yelling at me... damn it... from lou tao... to damn maid.. to mum.... and maid... at the end ... mum scolded me... damn it... really no idea what did i do man... why so damn bad de lo.. haiz... damn de la... yesterday play mahjung also keep get nag... damn it... sianz... what the heck... damn it... sianz... everyday allso like this... just like history repeat... damn it...i wanna back to KL life... freedom... enjoyment... haiz...at here what also talk about money money money... or else...possition... haiz... really dunno what did i do...whatever i did .. also wrong... so innocent...getting blame ... even i didt doo wrong also blame... damn it... sick of it...very sianz jor... talk all this shit..

*s3@m$ like making worst...

2009-11-19T21:30:00.000-08:00

*yea.. just feels like trouble maker like pass... he ask what's planning for it... i gave some suggestion... but... seems... like he din't really likes it thou... haiz... dunno why... even... okay de... but seems like he like tense and frust ... really dunno why i got this feel... yet... even yesterday... i was desperate to watch the cyril.. cause the one doing things that something new... really dint appear and change number in front of ppls.. haiz... he ask me why dun see... tvb that show.. den i said i watching magiction.. den he replies back... know you wont watch this de la... haiz... who said i dun watch.. i'll watch later only de la.. one word that so harsh... den dunno why my stomach yao pain.. den heart also weak like that... den yao give lou tao nag.. why me so stupid watch this magic la.. why dun watch thatt... den said me you blind ga... dunno read.. den i told him la... i sure dunno read la.. he reply... if do this ar... sure live de la... damn.. how should i know... this year i only know learn to watch astro... cant denied... i know.. alll of you'll watch few years.. but not me la... i know i stupid la.. i know you'll like watch and know many things la.. one also like this... that wan also like this... stupid heart yao pain... damn it... dunno what i did wrong... always like this.. lou tao and mummy quarrel.. just because of the financial... why me become your bean bag wo.. chi sin de... i walk also pain... yesterday cant even barely walk upstairs.. cause my appendix that side suddenlly pain... dunno why... should be not appendix de la.. even got i also duncare... lucky the gal .. survive... even 4ddays broke de... really lucky de her... must be angel protecting her... wondering... when only ends all this... izzit this a test? why should a test should be like this... why so hard... sometimes i tried to ignore what my parents said... and dun listen... haiz... even previous day i see doc... haiz... really couldn't believe what my boy said... haiz... sometimes i really dunno what h thinking... haiz.... forget it... yao said defend... yao said she still my mum care for me... damn it... bla bla... thru thhis condition...??? what my mum did?? really hard and i really couldn't accept it... you not me.. how would you know and feels... really feels like our communication... getting worst... haiz... lack... i'm tired... throat there tired... i just wanna enjoy/... and wanna feel back happy from friends and loves... but... seems likee... fail from everything... maybe except from friends... loves??? really dunno... just like weather... rain & sunny... life really cant predict... life getting tougher.. and tougher...sometimes...help him find things and do stuff for him... but seems like dint really like it... dunno why can see it... true of false i already dun care.... i care... cause i love him... thou.. he like for at first.. later.. at side...haiz... really dunno what he thinking... and all.... even myself... stupid me... i hate myself ....

*TODAY

2009-11-17T01:07:00.000-08:00

yet another... day... another bad bad day.. really so tired... haiz... morning fetch bro...go eat breakfast... go to his house... XOXO... back office like normal.. till 2sum... gu jie back... haiz... sad seing gu jie back.... really so sad.. but when she bback .. i hug her... i almost cry infront of her... lucky i dint... but she went de.. tears fall... till mum back.. she dunno calling who .. she like so happy and excited... cause gu jie not here... haiz.. dunno la.. den ... till lou tao came... scolded me... caus emy car many dust .. bla bla bla... haiz... den many things... den ask me KNOW STICK THE ROAD TAX NOT AR... den many la.. den till the gal drive car next to my car... den lou tao scold me... you see la.. i no need see the car i also know her car better than yours... yet... ANOTHER ONE COMPARE..I HATE YOU ... I HATE YOU'LL .. WONDERING WHY NO ONE KNOW ABOUT WHAT I HAVING NOW... I'MM REALLY SICK SICK OF ALL THIS... RECENTLY... REALLY LOST CONTROL FEW TIMES.. ALMOST WAN TAKE A KNIFE OF BLADE OR WHATEVER... HAIZ.. I'M TOO TIRED... REALLY REALLY SO TIRED... OF SITTING HERE...TEARS KEEP FALL... HAIZ... STOP HERE .. I CANT STAND...

yesterday

2009-11-17T00:53:00.000-08:00

*yet.. another damn boring day... haiz... wondering i can go back gopeng eat back home cook food not.. but guess it's a no... mum seems like so excited... damn it.. really hate to say it.. grandma ask grandpa called... ask lou tao got go back eat anot.. den mum said to lou tao... if you promise den you dun find me... bla bla bla.. den lou tao said no.. den .. grandma said... she made our favourite wan tan... haiz... lou tao i guess he was force to say no... den mum called me .. said to me about it... haiz... damn it de la.. she like so excited... happy ...she even said dai sei le.. who ask them tak zui tou her wo...WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.. cruel... to me.. really sad..AND FEEL SO GUILTY...haiz... afternoon.... me and mum go factory office there.. then.. like normal they'll talk a bout business and others stuff... den back into car... she go compare me.. and her.... said .. you see.. she so clever... what also know.. den said to me... she wan me learn things from her and taech her back.. and even compare to her buy learning things.. said that why i so stupid and many... haiz... till night dinner at pizza hut.. haiz... said me again ... said.. why you so stupid so useless... why cant you become like that gal... really dissappointed to you... haiz... many le.. den said why each time i say things you only know say oh ooh oh ... haiz.. dunno ar... FUXK it... haiz.. hate it alots...and even she said that.. me betral her... same gang with gopeng.. dun help her.. where by... i keep stay at her side.. listening her obey... what can i say more... damn it.. till back gopeng... i ganti my grandma place a while... play with my auntie and neighbour... both also same like me.. said.. i have no choice... since mum also wan i follow up...and dun wan me work out... haiz.. many la..so damn frustrated... accually during i pizza hut there i almost take the knife or even runaway from it... haiz... back home... really cried.. dunno why .. feels like so stupid why i cant defend for myself... and being so damn stupid....I HATE MYSELF....

really long time no update..

2009-11-16T21:26:00.000-08:00

really .. although just one week .. no log on.. too many things happen de...

START ONE LAST MONDAY...
last monday.. we back like normal.. eat dinner with grandma... grandma & my aunt both
also stomache.. till when after dinner.. ussually we got play mahjung.. but that day dint play.. den in room got lou tao and grandma & mummy only...grandma ask .. about my gu jie thingy... den.. that time.. really in bad mood de.. so i sit outside.. holding my drawing book... wanna draw things but dun really wan too.. den ..till i listen mummy like shouting behind.. seems like with grandma.. haiz... only that i heard ''why you'll like this'' bla bla bla... den only know mum rushing out ...haiz.. den said back... when in car.. she said..grandma they'll all same... see ppl got money... and keep help the daughter only... haiz.... fuck it.. la...

TUESDAY...
another morning.. another fucking day... which is.. she tell whole wide world that gu jie do such things.. really hate it.. to listen too.. i'm not sure who's wrong... i dun care... who the fuck is wrong not my problem... i hate to be in your middle person of you both...

WEDNESDAY..
days.. getting more bored and alone.. cause.. my gu jie not here.. mummy busy.. alone in the office... feel so empty.. just like inside of the cage... cant go anywhere... missing those days with gu jie...we use to laugh and chat all the time..

THURSDAY..
day by day .. passing by... just like normal.. bored... and thinking what my mum thinking.. afternoon... got supplier came... till night... haiz...so cruel de mum... really dun really like when she say bad things about gu jie.. said gu jie betral her... wan thhe man over her... where by gu jie also dint do this kind of stuff also... haiz.. i dunno... really making me sick of it...

FRIDAY..
like normal... alone in office...till lunch me pui gu jie eat lunch... as.. gu jie pack her few stuff... really.. sad.. seeing her packing up the stuff... really sad.. feels like wanna cry .. but.. neway... i tried to hold up my tears by not crying in front of her... still laughing & chatting like normal... but... till night.. really so sad i cried alone ... too much things in my mind.. really feels so sorry to them... really feel so guilty.. that mum did that.. even gu jie got say to me that... grandma worried that on monday we wont going back for dinner.... haiz... really feel so sorry to grandma...on that day.. had dinnerr at yoelde... first time have this moment.... wanna buy ticket... unfortunetely... cant... too late full de...

SATURDAY..
nothing happen much... just a day where i suppose to have... enjoy what can i enjoy on that day... but seems like nothin gto do the day... cause.. i fetch bro and my bebe out together... went to cc.. since no more mmovie ticket...den at 4sum.. mum ask us to go back... haiz...back to cook...eat dinneer like normal day... nothing special.. just at night she got ask me.. what my gu jie said and did... i said nothing much.. pack things de...like that only...den went to my room start drawing...

SUNDAY...
woke up early ...eat breakfast ... den went to parede... play bowling... yea.. really long time... dint have this kind of family feels de... i really loves this moment...but... seems like i like more than that... which is one big family..at afternoon...i remember mummy said... you see your grandpa.. work jor so long .. now retired jor... only got100k sum.. see me.. me simply do one business also more than that la... den said wo... she that they'll stupid... thoose gopeng family... really so heartache when listen to it... haiz... she said... since all also wanna help the betralyal... own daughter.. okay find... den dun wan your son lo... your in-law... and your grandchild lo.. since you wan help her so much... damn it... haiz... really damn frustrated... listen this shit.. i really cant stand all this de.. accually she have no right to say all this fucking shit.. cause she own also like that.. still with the fucking man... I HATE IT SO MUCH... HIDING OWN FEELL... AND BEING SO SAM YUIN... TO LISTEN HER.. AND HATE MYSELF... because she said... we're family right? you'll support and stand my side right? haiz... STUPID ME...

*i'm sorry to all ppl who advise me ..

2009-11-03T23:22:00.000-08:00

haiz.. really gomen gomen who advise and comfort me all the way.. just really frust for all this de.. too tired of have this burden.. yet till now too.. really sorry made you'll worry ... haiz.. just she (as witch) really making a lots of stuff making me i rally hate to do it... really sorry to my dear and my bebe le..

* TO my bebe,
.. i know you worried me very much err.. really sorry... you need fan my stuff.. but just that something i cant really can do lo.. i just wan .. on saturday.. each saturday can go gai gai go enjoy jau can jor.. no need think others stuff de.. muakxXx

*To my dear,

you'll can pui me jor den okie de.. very syok jor.. making me happy .. hehe.. most like is when we go gai gai and play jek.. lolx... jokes and see you'll argue-ing for some stuff very funny de lo.. lolx... hehe.. but anyway i try to become strong back le...gomen err.. muakxxXxX

*seems like things back darker

2009-11-01T05:29:00.000-08:00

haiz.. seems like all back to past.. quarrel den faint.. now act back to tam me back..just now dinner really haiz.. hate it.. talk to me and tam me back to work.. haiz.. louu tao give eye signal.. say dun argue with her.. damn it de la.. haiz.. fan sei.. den talk me that wan me wear formal..told me,.. she buy the 400buck bag for me so that i look dai tai dit... den look like boss de daughter.. den say wo.. i always wear like lala gal.. dam it.. haiz..i just wear one tee and BG pants jek ma.. like lala wo.. haiz.. damn it de la.. i look so luxurious for what la.. also human la.. den she said.. she wan me to compare with one new clerk wo.. see who better den open new showroom wo.. damn it.. haiz. . very fan.. i hate i.t.. now force to continue with the career.. haiz.. guess.. making it more worst ... felt so useless i cant defend for myself cause i scare i did the wrong thing that hurt her.. or might be fallen in her trick..haiz.. very tired of all this.. thinking how to lose all this tense.. felt my body no energy left... haiz...what should i do... should i continue obey her and hide all the pain and sadness or defend for myself and she her faint in front of me...so useless de me..

*wrong or right?

2009-10-30T19:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday night really got a huge disaster between me and my mum...but before that lou tao also got scold nag me a while.. den throw my letter on floor i still can stand it.. i ask him why throw my letter i have no idea why my letter reach no one tell me only..den between me and my mum.. i tried to keep all things and try to stand all her things.. at night .. she ask me weather i like the bag not... i told her i dun really like it... cause i dun like LV type sumor is brown colour... the bag cost 400.. den she scolded me this one nice.. said i lucky cause this wan expensive.. den if you dun wan.. you wan ask your boy to buy for you.. or even you buy.. you also heartache la.. den say many rubbish.. den she ask me what i wan to do now... keep sit in office do nothing ...den ask me why waste my time.. she told me that i already waste one year time.. off what i need think... damn it... i already plan i wan study what de.. only she dun let me go for it only... haiz.. den till i go help lou tao.. wanna try i can go for accounts not.. ends up i almost wan to apply de.. den she told me that .. den better dun take acc ba... take culinary as catering... damn it.. i change again.. den till she ask me to go for interior design.. i really cant stand of keep changing and making me weak de.. i already sick of it de.. changing my career.. den i back to KL help daddy wan cool down and help dad.. haiz..till she ask me come back .. i back ends up all this things happen.. den yesterday she ask me.. outside there i can find work for 1k per month not.. den i keep quiet.. den she yell at me ask me to answer.. accually i dun wan aanswer she keep ask me.. till i speak ''if i could find how..'' den she said back to me ''OKAY YOU WAN HOW.. YOU WAN I DIE IN FRONT OF YOU IZZIT'' haiz... i also dint say anything de she say like this i really cant stand de.. haiz.. den she ask me i still wan work for her not shout at me.. she ask me answer yes or no.. den i cant stand de.. for a first time i dare defend for myself ...i said '' NO" to her.. den she scold again i make road for you why can't you go.. okay find monday don't go to work.. have your life.. den she wallk and fainted infront of me.. you know how heartache for me seing her like that .. i dunno izzit her trick or real.. once b4 she did same thing to lou tao.. so that lou tao guai guai no one dare over her.. i dunno izzit she do the same thing to me either.. that time i know i allready lost control...den she lie on floor den said while sobbing and paining.. said that ...''look even my own daughter also dun wan help me i live for what.. i better go die better'' den she call my bro while crying.. den said to them '' you both need guai guai... if i die jor must take care your own..'' den say many fucking things... that time i feel wanna suicide infront of her.. den ... once i walk my whole body nno energy de... whole body cold.. and start feel so numb and heartbeat getting faster.. den i remember i pull my own hair wanna hit myself on wall or anything or wan go out from house... i really couldn't stand all this ... i'm totallly freaks out and so damn fucking tense de... i hate what she do all this shit... i hate myself for making her like that ... that's why i keep to myself only.. den dare to speak out and tell her anything.. cause i know if i tell her she'll like this.. haiz... den i almost unconcious on sofa... den whole body cold... and cant think anything.. me keep on crying loud and sick of all this.. den bro came and take care of me asking me eat medicine.. cause yesterday i din't my heart medicine.. den a while later after lou tao bring mum go room.. me still at down stairs still cant control.. den i remember is whole body no energy and everything black out de.. den lou tao keep calling me wake.. den i wake den i know he ask me to calm down.. den talk with me.. den i only calm down... a litttle... i ask him.. did i did wrong.. i'm i a bad gal not listen to her and defend? my fault make her like that .. really so useless de me... den ..i ask lou tao... you know how much pain i had? how much tense i'm i? lou tao sure know how much pain i had.. cause each time i talk to him.. den.. ask me not to cry ask me calm down.. den after talk a while i try to calm down.. not to think of anything de.. really so tired.. den mummy fainted at upstairs again.. haiz.. all my fault..i know mum said so loud she said.. why all ppl also like that... haiz.. i dunno which wan is true.. out of sudden lou tao said.. mummy make this road for me.. last time lou tao said is because her interest.. i also dunno which wan is true.. i'm totally confuse.. and sick of it.. too tired of all this.. den after i rest a hile and down.. mum back room... i back room... that time once i close my eyes i really scare.. and re-flash back how she faint infront of me.. and those cruel words.. makes me scare of her.. den i hide under the blanket keep on crying non stop.. praying to god ask god.. if you wan take her life... i rather you take mine.. i dun she suffer any more.. den i keep on crying. try to listen some songs try to calm down.. den fall asleep..den this morning wake up .. both eyes swollen de.. haiz.. whole body no energy.. and i walk out from the door saw her .. dunno why .. i turn back room hide.. dunno why i really scare of her de.. haiz.. i know too much thinking in my mind de... really wanna tell all out and wan to have little freedom.. wanna leave all this away.. very san fu.. sick of all this...wanna go out work and try new things gain out side experience only wanna prove to her i can... but she keep think that i dun wan help her.. and many things... haiz...what should i do..why happen this freaking this to me...

*rest day

2009-10-30T02:32:00.000-07:00

atlest the day where no worries and no scold... cause... mum and lou tao travel... lucky.. do thing s as usual... den pui my gu jie out.. the first word she ask me is... how's her eyes.. i told her little swollen.. i ask her izzit cried yesterday? after quarrel woth my mum? guess what ... haiz... gu jie told me that ... she doesn't have a chance to speak out den my mum keep scold non stop de.. haiz.. den one word she also din't expect that my mum say that she very dissappointed of what she doing.. den she said that my mum go combaine the relationship and work together.. den she told me that.. while she was drive back home she keep on tears falling till back home till before sleep.. haiz..seems like gu jie and me are almost same condition... both also sick of her attitude.. my mum really over do and harsh jor... haiz..i saidd before.. if really wan to co-opperate with my mum that person should be a very patience ppl... haiz..really cant stand for it..den she told me that she also got talk about me... at office... said that you also cant force your daughter like that de ma.. suddenlly get scolded innocently.. and don't complaine about me.. cause me at office everyday... wan to how to get experience... how to learn... sit office take care of office? or wait for walk in customer? where got walk in customer? den many things le.. haiz.. haiz.. still thinking wanna work outside or with her... den gu jie said if i go KL many bad things happen... if i stay here work out atleast i got little freedom.. if work with her no freedom and more worst.. oh yeah.. haiz.. if i work out there..guess what my mom say what..'' if i work out there i need pay for my own insurance... 200.. petrol 200.. den 300 for my car loan.. every month i need pay.. haiz.. den if i work with her i only pay for petrol.. den insurance half.. loan no need.. so damn fuck de.. haiz.. i also din't say i wan insurance yet.. haiz.. so damn expensive.. dunno wan for what i also got medical insurance mai enuf lo still wan add so much... haiz.. you say what i should do... haiz.. whole afternoon think of this also fan.. gu jie soon also leaving company.. haiz.. dunno how my mum handle... haiz.. i also dunno anything de.. haiz.. den at night hang out with my bro and boy at jusco.. ate at sushi king.. den at jusco find some vacancy.. really feel like wan join barista.. but only got 900 only.. haiz.. dunno how le.. tired man.. think of all this.. why happen it to me de.. haiz.. go yao die dun go yau die.. doc said that i cannot over tense the more i tense the more bigger my neck.. because of the stupid sickness... worst to worst need opperate... haiz.. if i higher.. haiz... dunno how le.. really so fan...even my heart condition wasn't good either... haiz... need medication... haiz..

*gees..replace blog for wed...

2009-10-30T02:05:00.000-07:00

yesterday i write all this de... little emotion yesterday.. when after i finish write the blog suddenly i accidentally deleted the whole thing.. haiz... waste... neway... haiz... i can tell some that on wed.. haiz... like normal mum scold me everyday.. on that day i really so get scolded badly till i cant stand.. yet i still not speaking anything out... till she ask me what in my mind thinking... said that me not concentrate of what i'm doing.. bla bla and bla... haiz.. till she ask me what's my purpose that i work at her shop.. i told her i wanna try help her.. and i haven finish say anything she one word jau say "you at here or not i dun need your help... THE MORE I SEE YOU THE MORE I VERY KEK HEI... THE MORE FAN I SEE YOU" haiz.. what do you expect.. after listen what she say all this..haiz... really feel so disappointed after listen to it... i already forget my career and try to help her because of her health condition... haiz.. dunno what in her mind.. i dun mind she sscold me or what i'm just trying to und this in this career... i dun have experience what do yo expect i got... she even said that ''why you din't you your stupid head... why you din't use common sense'' haiz... really so damn fan de... after what she say and tell... on afternoon.. she quarrel with lou tao about lunch.. even small problem also quarrel.. den ... night quarrel with my gu jie.. till separate business.. haiz.. why things going on like that.. i notice that .. since she enter this career she become more cruel... and yet.. at night my tong mui called me.. asking me how's my condition.. and others.. she said her mum told her that i always at office cry at corner... den ask her talk with me.. i talk half way my tears keep falling till cant stop keep sobbing.. haiz.. she said she scare i got ''yao what jing'' depressions... haiz... always hide and cry... keep things.. haiz.. what to do... she mum my.. i cant defend cause i scare her health and heart attack... haiz.. i try to und de.. but seems like i'm trouble maker for her...that time i got think of do stupid things.. but i din't ... really so tired of it.. haiz.. den lou tao came in my room.. ask me why i'm crying..i said nothing den he keep ask. den i told her.. even he said mummy really over do de.. den soon not gonna help her much de.. she dun realize that what happen after... haiz...all also scare my condition now...cause.. too many sadness inside de... and being middle person for all.. haiz.. all also can feel my thing why cant my mum cant feel.. den when down for dinner she ask me do i still wan to work? den i said maybe no .. just let me think about it 1st.. haiz.. den last word she said that me & gujie are same... both also ''tong cin jok doi'' anti money.. haiz.. to me... if i get jor money yao how la.. mai same like normal human jek ma... what do you expect...money really kills a lots ppls...even dear said .. not scare my mum masuk hospital.. is me who will masuk hospital.. haiz... at night all wanna go to bed de.. i heard lou tao calling mum...wake up... haiz.. mum fainted.. heart attack back again... haiz.. fainted few times... haiz.. too stressful de with this kind of fucking life... i dunno i wanna do what now.. just blank.. complicated... so damn heartache.. that day really the most worst day ever..

*yesterday night

2009-10-26T22:24:00.000-07:00

this wan is when start preparing and putting praying those stuff... haha.. kinda big fire that time... almost 200packet of charcoal use for this event..

praying for those god for blessing..asking few god to come out from temple to walk over

this wan is when bring the 9 wong yeh cross over the road...see those moon?this one is normal human... accually i'm one of them walikng there..see those circle thingy like moon? they'll say might be ghost or those god's... when we passing thru...really damn a lots man..

see this is the result after finish walk on the charcoal.. haha... dark feet.

haha... really a new kind of experience... walk on the charcoal.. lolx... kinda fun... took some few pics...*those pic's lolx... kinda fun ... running here and there follow a fella who has take a few years already.. haha... but need apologize to my baby err.. gomen gomen... haha... left you at side... *muakxx after took the few pic's only start walking ... on it... too bad.. cant take my pic's... really un lucky eh... hehe.. first step was okay.. den till half way... kinda feel little warm.. den almost till the end ... kinda feel little hot..haha..den end there.. i know i keep jump around... haha...

*tired of her

2009-10-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

really so tired of being insult.. tired of being get blame .. tired of being get scold for no reason.. tired of being what i have being doing... tired of being be patience .. tired of everything..haiz.. really too tense of what she had being why she could beccome like that .. everyone need to obey her... soon.. sure a lots things happen in this company.. i bet on it... cause.. all need to care for her attitude... and try to tahan her thing.. haiz.. she always think that what she also right and she geng... haiz.. even today my gu jie also say .. "you also dunno anything ... cause you dun have experince how you gonna face in this thingy.. not all also same like her.. being so brilliant and talented... each person got own different way.. but your mum really forcing you so much... what also she say.. and decide... no support... dunno why your mum like that.. i guess soon me and gonna become like you.." haiz... honestly.. haiz.. really this few days almost wanna take a smoke or anything just to release tense.. but.. i din't do it.. haiz... really feels so tired... and keeping inside... even i speak out.. din't really help me release.. really so tense.. haiz.. why no one know what i'm going thru... and facing... you'll say jau easy... but.. me.. is the victim.. really hard to face it... what can't you'll und...cause you din't really happen to you... haiz.. i just need some time onlly... really feels so damn tired..this few days makes me feels like wanna do something crazy.. that involve blood... haiiz.. but luckly .. i can manage it... i din't .. haiz... really wan find a way to relax myself.. and make it better living now...

*haiz.. during the night after dinner & today's

2009-10-25T01:38:00.000-07:00

gees.. disaster start again.. damn it.. yesterday night really feel so bad mood once my mum & lou tao said that i care my own friends than the family.. DAMN IT...SINCE WHEN I DID THAT TO THEM...seems to be is my mum doing that .. how could it happen... i told mum i wan to go see ivan band.. den so coincident at the same date also my dear b'day too.. we did plan going to genting for celebrate it... but.. haiz... den mum one one jau say... who's important your bro or your friends... haiz.. no need say la sure your friend and your bf than family.. DAMN IT... IF I DUN CARE THE FAMILY AR... I WONT BE SO GUAI LISTEN TO HER DAMN ORDER AND STAYING AT HERE HELPING HER LA... JUST TO FORGET MY DREAM AND WASTING MY FUCKING TIME TO HELP HER MEH... HAIZ... that's why i already waste my time a lots... and she keep wan me to help her with the business.. accountant.. interior design or electronics... damn it.. all i also dun like it... how would i do it... even today in morning she scolded me that why my observation so slow... bla bla and bla.. tiu... really so frustrated when i listen those things.. what also she say... haiz... i hate myself why i couldn't defend for myself... haiz... why i need take care or her... why not me.. seems like since i back from KL she doesn't like me much jor... keep scold and putting those blame on me.. all... haiz.. yesterday i almost punch to the window... or wanna take a smoke... really so damn wasting my time... even i sick... also non of my family care or knows about it la.. doc said that i'll be easy tired and thinking little slow... haiz... really ... so frus de.. today what she say for a few times... plus yesterday... really kinda killing me already... so headache... haiz... no longer like last time so brave and strong... just feel like i'm a puppet to her de... life really no meaning like that...

*outing with dear.. luiz.. & bebe

2009-10-25T01:32:00.000-07:00

LOLX.. when for a movie yesterday... me & bebe watch the movie twice already weh.. haha... cute... watch back the cloudy meatball... gees.. kinda funny man.. den before that we had our lunch at food and tea..had some jokes... with my sakai dear & luiz & bebe... haha... kinda enjoing the moment... den till 3sum.. go for our movie till 5sum... haha.. lolx.. luiz bring bf.. me bring bebe... only my dear and venis they'll couple le... haha.. den gals... picture time at the toilet.. LOLX.. kinda freak few ppl ... cause we took the place.. laughing kinda loud... i remember one gang of malays gal came in den do back the same thing we did.. haha.. den went off.. haha... *too bad.. need wait to upload ours photo's.. haha.. tomorrow only upload...kinda enjoy eventhough just for few hours..

*y3TerD@y niGhT

2009-10-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

awh man... ends up i decided to join my parents they'll to go Batu Gajah there invite god come... as now ... is 9 wong yeh season.. so now lou tao friends and the sifu went there to either... haha.. when reach the place like around 10something... haha.. at there like got stage concert.. haha.. for a first time i see this man.. haha... den like usual.. burn the joss stick for those god.. and back to place... den i tel mum i go see the concert.. haha... one guy.. oh gosh... feel like wanna laugh that time really dunno why.. maybe because of his outfit or whatever... haha... seems like kinda attractive.. lolx... the way they'll dance... haha... really so funny man... haha... really Pui Fok those dancer on the stage.. dance non stop... even R&B dance also included.. i'm if not mistaken is Hips Dun lie that song and one Chinese song i also forget jor... mostly also hokkien songs... and beyond songs more.. haha.. too bad... den once till 11.20 like that... the ceremony inviting god begins... preparation.. i remember got "na cha" .. and 5 god.. and last but not least the "9 wong yeh" haha... actually that time i feel my body little cold before the ceremony.. haha.. finger like uncontrollable... haha.. even my mummy ... keep yawn.. den when start walking.. oh gosh... i walk that time really kinda chilling oh... den body getting weaker.. haha... lou tao ask me take care of mum... but ends up... me no energy.. haha... feel like wanna faint... lolx... haha.. one buy one looking at those expert "siong tong".. gees... kinda attracted... haha.. suddenly think of dai ma and the last time those gang... they'll play this.. LOLX.. den walk back there take a rest a while den okay de... haha.. i know i reach there my heart beat beat stronger.. faster... and i forget take my medicine go there..=.='' sakai de.. haha.. took few of the picture.. i know the sifu put the god inside back to the place.. den .. left one god.. haha... all asking for a toto number.. LOLX... i also go see see.. den lazy see jor.. haha... i bet tomorrow many ppl buy that number... haha... sakai de... den lou tao say me ... me and mum also same.. both also almost kena.. =.=''' sakai de... what la.. haha.. crazy ppl.. now i'm still thinking i wanna walk on the charcoal not next Monday.. i scare eh... =.=''' ... anyway .. yesterday really awesome.. haha

@ tOd@y

2009-10-22T02:35:00.000-07:00

as normal... sent my bro to school... back home sleep... and back office... mop and sweep floor... like normal routine... breakfast together with parents... den back office continue work... awh.. really tiring... dunno why... who the sakai took my bottle ... T.T.. my bottle is my baby gave to me... now lost jor... dunno izzit weather got ghost took it or customer took it.. damn it de la... no water drink.. cham.. my favourite bottle lai de ar... wuwuwu... wanna cry a lots leh...oh yeah.. today is my beloved lui lui birthday oh.. but too bad... haha... yesterday wanna wish her at 12..but ends up i fall asleep at 11.45... *yawn haha.. gomen gomen oh.. haha.. but anyway i wish her today.. really long time no see her jor.. haha... maaybe this saturday ajak her ba... lolx... go gai gai.. see first... gees... haven plan this satuday wanna do what... sianz err... now waiting back home.. cook... den tonight parent going to invite god or something... i also forget ... thinking wanna go not... really little headache eh.. feels like wanna go...erm.. how le...

*tHIs foR my B@by

2009-10-22T02:25:00.000-07:00

baby... i'm sorry about yesterday night i hurt you... i told you de... you might be suffer a lots if you with me ... cause you need to learn more to comfort me... haiz... yesterday night when you ask me about his thing ... dunno why tears keep falling..cause when you ask those question ... makes me like i'm a bitch.. keep hurt ppl feeling those kind of ppl... i'm sorry ... haiz.. i dun wan you feel hurt .. because of me.. i know you love me... i know maybe you think that i replace you for him.. accually.. you din't.. first that time i do have those kind of feel.. but later on i notice i din't... baby.. all i know is i really love you... i know you try so hard to get together back with me... i'm sorry ... i hurt you few times.. i know you sometimes upset when you can't tam me or anything.. i dint compare you and him...you is you.. he is he...you and he is different ppl.. i know i love you ... i don't play ppls feelings... cause i made a mistake... before.. just i can't forgive myself only.. i just wan you to support me... and standing my side.. hugging me..give me those comfortable feelings only...help me to pass this road with me... really so hard to walk alone.. cause i'm not last time de... i feel like i'm getting weaker de.. no longer like last time anymore...baby.. really sorry... i love you...

y@wn

2009-10-20T20:38:00.000-07:00

like usual... sending my sakai bro to school... had breakfast with my bebe.. lolx.. haha.. went to his house... burn CD... of Course got *sweet la... haha ... teng each others... haha... so funny when pinch him... he yell like sakai... sakai de... he pinch me back and hit me... pain sei... of course me also will revenge de la.. haha... den ... when i finding the songs to burn.. he give a little trick... haha..'' eh.. your hair got something.." haha ... den pull out the ring... help me wear back...although a * little out dated... but atleast feel kinda happy cause first time he doing this.. haha.. he helps me wear back ring.. of course got * muakxX de la... haha... so funny de him... like sakai... den rush back home... had a hug ... kinda comfortable... lolx... den back to the hell office now... doing nothing.. sianz tou me fatt mou jor... wuwuwu.. but that sei sakai de... at Parede enjoying... PLAY BOWLING.... HENG!!! sumor ask me wan go not... so fatt one de... wuwuwu... *stomach screaming cham le.. now alone at office doing nothing.. sianz tou fatt mou lo... sakai de la...

ish so un fair...

2009-10-20T19:46:00.000-07:00

yoh.. talk about yesterday night really kek sei me de la.. what la... mummy so good... mummy angry den lou tao say tam her den buy phone for mummy ... wuwuwu.. lou tao bought one phone for her at SG.. F100 in malaysia also haven yet... den yesterday yao buy new phone jor.. another sony erricson de.....teng... so good de.. i wan also cannot.. but yao keep ask me like what phone and wan what phone... =.=''' sakai de... i like one phone... W series... but leh up and down de... wuwuwu.. w995 RM1755 leh... wuwuwu.. den my second option is W 902.. RM1099... den now another one W960.. dunno how much..wuwuwu.. cham... so bad de... yao ask wan what phone den i say i wan that den she say you buy ownself la... so sakai de... nevermind.. i buy myself... who knows... soon got new series come out leh..
W995

PRICE - RM 1755

CAMERA - 8.1MEGAPIXEL
Memory
Memory Stick Micro™ (M2™) support (up to 16GB)Phone memory 118MB*
GPS

almost full function

W902i

PRICE - RM1099

5.0 MEGAPIXEL

Memory Stick Micro™ (M2™) support (up to 8 GB)Phone memory 25MB*

W960i

PRICE - HAVEN CHeCK YET

CAMERA NO DETAILS YET

MORE FUNCTION THAN W902i

wuwuwu...i wan eh... T.T.. if i got chance i sure buy the w995 le... waiting cheaper... rather havee full function... or keep wait lu...cham..

*y@wn

2009-10-20T02:59:00.000-07:00

gees... really feels so tired today... haha... should be because of that thing... damn it... give my mummy know about my stuff jor.. wuwuwu... cham... gu jie also ask about it.. =.='''.. what the heck de la...cham... haha.. think back the doctor tell me about my sickness... lolx... i laugh when he say about... ''you got feel your thinking a bit slow ma? or you easy tired...and gain fat" lolx... chamm that moment out of sudden ... my brain think... sei lo... what also slow... mai become like tortoise lo... hahaa.... cause tortoise what also slow de... blurr blurr case... cham.. every morning also need eat the medication... haha... but the doc still cant figure it out why my heartbeat can be so fast.. haha... but neway... i din't feel like faint or anything de... guess my body kinda feels so weak de... lolx... recently also feels like wan to take a nap.. at office... feels so tired eventhough i dint do anything... kinda bored.. cham.. headache now... lazy write... hang kei...

awh... yesterday ...

2009-10-19T00:51:00.000-07:00

hehe.. yesterday out with my dear... seems like my dear kinda have a lots frustration... lolx... morning ask me question.. kinda freaks me a moment... lolx... but anyway... meet her... den plan go yum cha but ends up me stuck in stupid traffic jam almost like half an hours... and that sakai chang nam ... lolx... *gomene ba... din't come visit ya.. too late jor... haha... next time ba... neway.. he sent each sms both also same like my dear sms.. haha... feel like wanna laugh while i'm ddriving... haha.. after that we finally reach the destination at wooley.. we ate and went to fetch my bebe... den dear said she wan go 9 wong yeh there... we went there... oh gees.. i feel like killing my dear... =.=''' we bought there prayer thingy.. den she say she dun wan go in... ends up me and bebe went inside... come out with all the tears.. gees.. she at outside sitting...=.=''' dear.. i'm gonna kill you next time.. den we watch the chinese opera a while sent her back home... atleast hope she feels better .. neway... we fail our mission ... oh yea... i remember went we at mission... oh gosh.. to find those shop at old town... my god.. i keep losted.. and keep going to wrong road... lucky no car.. ppl one way.. i always go on the opposite... tupid dear... scare me a lots... =.='' laugh sumor at me... lucky no police.. or else she really gonna kena badly... that time i only remember she told me a joke ...'' aiya.. nevermind dear... if kena catch also nevermind... give the police man see the dai bei can jor.. lolx.. den will lepas us de'' oh gosh ... most remember this thing..=.='' lucky... haha...den after fetch dear back home... me and my boy went to massage with mummy near tong kui there... i was fall asleep there... haha... first time... lolx.. den back home around 12sum... den sleep... oh gosh... really so tired today... dunno why...sumor give mum *xUCk ... damn it... haiz... always like that ... i also lazy choy her...jor... oh.. how good we got chance play again like this... with dear and bebe and a bunch of friends... lolx...

Ah@... hehehe...finally something good happen.. i guess..

2009-10-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

atleast i din't ge scold from my mom yesterday... i guess... not really remember... all i knew is... whole day headache like normal... sitting in the office like sakai ppl .. keep dreaming... lolx hehe... asleep in the office sumor... hehe... had some few jokes early in the morning with my boy... lolx... he keep on losing and cant answer... haha... funny him... afternoon... my gu jie kinda look so deppressed... should be love problem le... each time also like that de... should be cheated by a man le... haiz... pity her... looking at her keep on smoking non stop... really makes me think of me last time... like being like her... haha... but it's okie le... atleast now she and my mummy in KL... me alone in office enjoying playing with my lappy... hehe... cute... den yesterday when i reach home... haha... joker ... me so careless ... lock my car... and my car key inside the car.. funny... hehe... get nag from lou tao a while... den later on... hehe... kena toto... LOLX... hehe... kena also no use wan buy phone ... mum dun let... really cham err... wuwuwu... each time also like that de... pity pity... she said wo ... you wan ar... okay lo.. i pay 499 you pay 1k lo... damn it... so LC i rather i keep my money for go to JAPAN or KOREA with my baby better... hehe... now need gambate keep money ... need start saving... hehe... wan go travel only... after travel... wan lappy... den only W Series PHONE... if worst to worst... i go out and work... better than here... hehe... waiting this whole month changes lo... haha... if still the same i get scold... and nag den i rather work kout there better... haha... haiz... accually wanna back KL help daddy le... daddy yesterday sms me... wonder if any changes that i could go back KL not le.. i told him less chances le... i bet for sure he at there really suffer le..doing things alone le... still cant hired someone yet le... pity man... haiz... really wish someone could help him le... but anyway... pray that he will get someone to help his burden ba... hehe...

TOO tireD ...

2009-10-13T00:50:00.000-07:00

ReALLY feels so tired today... should say ... everyday... tired of getting scold and fetch bro... sometimes tired of being at here either... recently really get headache a lots.... really dunno why... morning reach office... do normal things like usual... sweep and mop floor... haiz. really dunno why each day also must get scold from mum.. damn it... today scold me about how i wear... damn it... say i wear like a girl just finish work at pub and go to work... damn it la... said i wear my skirt so short bareback de shirt ... really ar.. she's the one who call me wear skirt everyday... now say me like that... really dunno what the heck in her mind... i can say that ... really a lots of ppl doesn't like her of being this kind of atitude of rushing ppl and giving those fucking temper... haiz.... not much ppl who can really stand her this kind of attitude.... really get sick of her de... till now... i'm still sitting in office doing nothing... really so damn piss of it... for back here... really feel so tired and regret... eventhough i get bad result she also dint know la... in her mind only cares her work only... where got cares about us... haiz... only know scold me and blaming me only... really damn fuck... sick of being get blame already... but... each time she scold or blame i think i use to it already and i think.. and makes me feels so nuts for being staying at this freaking world....haiz... afternoon dad sms me asking how about me... and b4 that i sms him about my salary... accually i just wanna test him weather he enuf money not...yet... he get tested that... his business getting low de... he sms me that end of this month only give us the money... says that this month income getting low... haiz... just wonder how's the shop now... wonder how would it be now... really worried about them so much... haiz... if not because of my mom... they wouldn't become like that de lo... haiz.... so heartache man.... really dunno why... makes me felt that this month really a bad month... i tried to cheer myself... but really so hard man... tired of being here already.... sick of it....that's why.... each time my blog also full of sadness than hapiness... haiz...

really worst day ever..

2009-10-12T02:28:00.000-07:00

haiz...morning had a nightmare... about my boy.. my family... and accident... after wake... fetch bro to school like normal... eat breakfast... fetch maid back home... till home... change my cloth my stupid damn door lock me up.. damn it... i ask the maid push the damn door... she go push a little once i shout loudly said push la... push harder then only can open.. once reach at office get scolded by my mom... saying that rubbish everywher this and that... what the hell.. start with a damn freak in the morning... den later on... afternoon lunch break finally get the card... thee stupid post man really so dumb ... put the letter at my car... so damn sakai ppl... bring the letter go to the office... get my card to asking me to get my result... damn it... haiz... get my result only score 6c... really tears falling ... what the hell... study so hard... only get 6c... really so damn it... i tell my tuition teacher about it... she was shock why i can score so low... haiz... really cant stand man... really feeel so piss off of it.. even i guy which is no study simply do also can get 5c.. damn it... yesterday night... my finally say the truth that... since i came back from KL .. house getting messy and dirty... haiz... as if like putting the blame on me once again... haiz... really sick of being here in IPOH... damn it... really in my heart that time feels like telling her that " if i come back from KL i make a mess in house then i rather back to KL and you have your life here without me better... i rather back KL and have my life... without stress or any sadness at here.... i'm sick of being at here getting the blame and getting being scold innocently" damn it... haiz... really felt so regret back here wasting my time and energy sitting at office doing nothing... she always said that i'm stupid that i dint find things to do this and and that... i feels like i going to office is like a maid... do cleaning stuff mopping.. sweeping... and serve drinks... haiz... really sick of it... here badly .... really wish that she know what she thinking and doing ... i dun mind helping her or even get blaming from her... i just wan her do yo u really understand what i'm going thru... or i need some courage and support,.... not putting me here doesn't let me see the outside world...giving the impression to other ppl that.. i being pamper by my mum... i dun wan ppl see me like that... i'm sick of it already...

HAIZ...

2009-10-09T19:16:00.000-07:00

geees.... yesterday really so damn tired.. mornig feetch bro school... and get nag and blame in morning... haiz....when till night ... tot i might be better with the love one hanging out and try to get some fresh air... and have some enjoying moment... but yet... everything get worst than i tot... what to do... it feels like walking alone see things alone... time pass more slow.. and headache getting more worst ... after dinner.. walk and walk... only notice that yesterday whole day i forget eat my heart medicine and for the breath medicine too... that's why at night really so pain.. hiding the pain infront of him... guess he dint really notice... and know it... 1st we plan play bowling as we compete each other.. first game was so terible.. simply throw... still not a single word between me and him.. haiz... at that timw see his finger no longer wear the ring ... out of sudden i take off my ring either... not worth it... wearing the ring alone... doesn't really understand what's the meaning of it yet i guess..haiz... putting it back in bag... continue plays... second game got talk... atleast little fun and laugh inside me...accually.. that time inside ... feels like crying i guess...really so tired that kind of feels... but.. luckly.. after the bowling he did what he do... but yet.. dunno why still not really know what i really wan.. then we went to the eating place behind JJ... sitting.. looking at his bro and gal.. really so sweet... that time really wish that he could have his bro atitude taking care and caring ... and can give me those kind of feels.... but... haiz... dunno why... after drinking at there... sent me back home...den i decided to return back the RIng to him... that time... really dunno why i return back to him... that time my heart kinda heartache and inside feels like crying... dunno why... guess kinda funny man...giving back to him to keep it... back home,.. really wan to cry out... but really dunno why i couldn't lo... really so much pain inside ... really pain... really sometimes i do think if i become single how would it feelss like...again... me and him already 1year 10month... still like that... he was the longest relationship i had... my mind now it's like eveerything is mixing up... haiz....help me man.... really felt so sucks...right now... haiz... already did a mistake b4... i dun wan repeat again... letting someone go... tired of having this already...how good i could have a hug right now...

DAMN IT... I HATE IT SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!

2009-10-08T23:20:00.000-07:00

DAmn it... why always i get scold and blame for nothing... damn it... shit.... really so piss off with this kind of attitude... almost all of us .... really cant really stand her man... not because of what... just because she always think she right.. and everyone is wrong... damn it... soon.... i can say... another disaster gonna happen ... even lou tao say so.. damn it... i most anti ... in the morning which is i get nagging from her and get scolded for being late to work... damn it.... i told her that i'll going to work... den lou tao said later bring mum stuff and go eat breakfast together... okay fine... i go... i late 10minutes... since she ask me bring her stuff... damn it... once i reach she also finish eat de la... she reach early so? at eating place there... she keep nag... about my working hours.. that my working hours will be at 9-6pm... den last time said is 9-5pm.. cause i go back home to cook ma.. now say this... okay.. still fine with me... damn it... most HATE it is that... she said once i came to her office ... she said the office like trash only ... unprofessional and doesn't look like a showroom... den said my stuff making the place look like trash... damn it.. is her place make it the whole thing like a trash.. what the hell .... she ask me not to touch her stuff... sumor now wanna blame me wo... damn it...what THE HELL... den that time like around 9.20 de.. den lou tao de food reach de.. den he ask him faster eat... she wan go de.. den lou tao ask her den ar.. you go first le... i ask daughter pui me eat le... den she go to car there and pass by .. with her fierce look she say your gu jie also reach jor... you still at here... damn it... lou tao ask me to pui him eat now you ask me back... damn it de la... what also she de la.... haiz.... dunno what she doing and what she thinking ... so damn it de lo.... haiz... really damn piss off... back to IPOH lo... keeping me at here is like at HELL TO ME!!!!!

just doing nothing... out of sudden check webby...

2009-10-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

and i was wondering weather i'm i have the depression...
Symptoms of Depression
* Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood* Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism* Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness* Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, * Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"* Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions* Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping* Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain* Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts* Restlessness, irritability* Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain...
almost everything here... almosst all i got .... just wonder....haiz... asking him giving clue... to him... he ask me back... heart attack ar? this ar... haiz... forget it... guess alone know better... and he just told me... that his father got into an accident... haiz... sure he frus le... i was wonder... what his mind thinking and my mind thinking le...really ... messing up.. really cant hink of any thing right now.. too headache... felt so guilt... haiz... dunno ar.... sitting office facing 4walls... doing nothing... alone.... just alone ...just wonder... nothing to do

yesterday was a disaster...

2009-10-06T20:17:00.000-07:00

haiz... really dunno why recently my mum what the heck in her mind... always thinks that she's right... haiz... till lou tao also cannot stand of her... lou tao keep tam her.. she dint really appreciate it... always fatt pei hei... always think that she is correct... haiz... talk with lou tao... he share to me... ask me to be careful and try to dun touch her things or else anything gone wrong... then put the blame to others... accually in my heart aready spoken... i always get the blame... and i always wrong... what to do... that's why sad always... what do you expect... haiz... den he also mention... see you le.. you sick jor ar... she keep work only.. where got time bring you see doctor... say make porridge for you ... also forget... haiz.... that time accually i wanna say to him... i already use to this life de... even i got sickness i'll take care my own .... use to it already... eat also cook myself le... what to do wo... always do her stuff as a daughter de la... she always think that using of me... and tot i can do everything .... haiz... almost everything i can help her... only that i dun have the interest... guess why i always cant let go or argue with her... just because she got heart attack... that's why i dun really dare to reject her... i follow what she say... but... as i just came back from KL... she said ask me to learn design... okay fine.. i go find.... but.... she dint care and ask me to pay for my own study... raise myself... that's still okay... further more... she ask me to learn things... said bringing me out from office teach me this and that.. ends up... i sitting in the office play com.. mop and swipe floor.. read magazine... and buy food for my bro... haiz.... she always think that she always right .... everyone is wrong.... teach me how to do costing and planning whereby she's the one who dun have costing and planning... haiz... that's why lou tou kinda frrustrated recently.. i can see ... last sunday was suppose to pui him tto go out for drink... just to relax our mind... unfortunately... i sick... at night and keep vomit... as soon as lou tao out .... me drive own car.. and see.... doctor said food poison... the next day .. same thing repeat... vomit non stop... den after fetch bro find my boy... den he fetch me go see doc together with her mum tooo... really ma fan sai her mother... haiz... at that time i wish my mum that make porridge for me and ask me eat medicine like how his mum did to me...now my mum is turning to another person... and even yesterday lou tao said.. if i i knew last time i should be cruel say not to be together again.. he repeated twice de... haiz... i really dun wan lost him too... only he i could talk a lots... than my own father... my life... i really dunno how to discribe....haiz... yesterday already frus about them.. out of sudden he mention about study... the more thing i think... haiz... too fan de... sumor add more... these few days really doesn't have enough time too sleep always wake at 3am... haiz.. ddunno what's going on with me now... recently... heartbeat up and down... low blood pressure... if i continue like that...soon i think i'm not gonna stay here longer i guess... but... anyway... life is short... no matter what is my report say to... i dun care no matter how sick i'm i dun care... i only care for my family and the love one... or buddies only... i wish my life would change ... awhhh... hehee... felt little realease de... speak some of them... need sorry for my love one... cause yesterday i dint tell you... i wanted to tell ya.. but you aready start talking about study..i cant stand start chest pain and cant breath le... tears keep falling... that's why i turn off the phone le... gomen gomen...

missing KL so muchh....

2009-10-06T19:51:00.000-07:00

owh... man.. really miss KL so so much... KL is the place where is like heaven... no worries ... but only certain time kinda frustrated... rather now back to ipoh.... sit in

office... keep do and work... hehe... miss KL food... so many food on the table... haha... now at home eat 4 dishes... cham... atleast at KL i can try different taste... i remember on my last day at KL celebrate our farewell in SHOGUN... geess... first time eat oyster... hehe... kinda niice... but kinda weird taste.. haha... as i said ... 1st time...ShOGUN... awh.. miss that place.... food of heaven... lolx....table all sushi... oyster...seafood...
jelly fish... haha...others like western too...UNAGI.... haha... nice food... and provide dessert too... hehe... too bad my stomach cant put so much... neway... late update my blog... haha...

tired man....atleast i get what i wan

2009-08-13T04:02:00.000-07:00

gees... really damn tired man... working time 12-14hours a day...but i dint really mind... if someone can accompany me... but time getting slower when he not here... really so speechless... when at here... too many things happen aready... all those critics and others stuff man... that XXXX ar... really wanna kill her so so much... yau dun listen ppl opinion yao dun believe ppl... haiz... what also me and my boy do... damn it... she jau sit and chat ... we jau do and do and do... she get the best.. we get the bads... what the hell de.. her prinsip is... friends and relative are the main... customer dun care.... give the best for them give the bads for the customer... haiz... even my own mummy also heartache see tou me suffer like that... damn it... day by day business wasn't good... haiz... dad get easy panic... when a lots customer... that xxxx... haiz... speeechless... damn it de la... neway... i kinda enjoy when my boy with me ... atleast someone lend a shoulder to me... haiz... but.. he aready went back to ipoh.. for few days due with his condition getting worst... it's my fault that i made him sick... i dint take care of him.... felt that his family like dint really like me... i guess... cause i ask him to work with me... haiz... dunno le... really scare that him family care that...haiz... bout this shop...really dunno how to save le... all also dun listen de.... forget it ba... always say .. but do nothing... haiz... really damn heartache see them like that...

found it...damn it.. in draft

2009-07-28T06:53:00.000-07:00

okie... let's see... erm.. i came to KL for i think aready 2week le.. kinda tiring and kinda fun too.. but...recently quite tired... my god... hehe... learn a lots of things... run thru a lots of things... doing for few things at one time... bubble tea and searving and even cook.. well.. kinda hard to concerntrate it... but.. anyway... slowly lo...this is one of my station... cooking station...the right one is my bubble tea and drinking corner..

erm... what can i say...

2009-07-18T02:46:00.000-07:00

okie... let's start it like this... erm... i can go KL to help my dad... but one condition... i must come back on oct... and staight away do for intake in ipoh... interior design... is a good thing or bad thing??? geez... maybe you'll kinda confused what my mum doing and working as what... in my family got interior design... catering... accounts... what else... erm... i cant think... curtains... err... wall paint...and electronic... err... whatever... and in the future gonna open one factory... plastic factory... for my uncle... gees...that was the next year plan... but anyway... wannna enjoy for another few more month i guess... i do wish that i can go study out from ipoh... or out from malaysia... welll... i dun think i had much of choice... cause is family business... what to do... haiz... whatever be ... it'll be... guess.. time to face it.. i guess... but anyway... i'll try i guess.... need time to make it... i dunno... whatever it'll be .....anything ba... neway... i'm going to KL next monday... help my dad... and another thing.... dunno why recently ... had a lots of nightmare... hehe.. dunno what's in my mind... something about death... i always dreamt about... but hopefully dun let it came true...hehe... neway... wanna try find some more friends... and hang out if i could.. hehe... wanna change new place to stay... wanna try a lots of things... pray that god bless me... hehe...

what the hell you wan??/ i', too tired to handle all this shits...

2009-07-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

haiz... guess living in this world really hard man... haiz...yesterday really so heart broken man.... i areaady try to stand all the pain and tears.... why you wan me to torture like that why.... haiz... i just wanna go KL and help daddy only ... why you wan me to have this kind of feelings...why???? i have aready told you few month ago i'm going to KL just to help daddy for only 2 month... why cant you let me go... haiz... out of sudden you suddenly open one shop... and you said that why i go help daddy and don't help me... my god.... hey... really unfair for daddy man... i know you wan me to stay... but dun use this kind of word to say to me... really hurts man... fuXX it... what the hell... did you know how much pain i had to face it... you know how hurt and pain i need to face it? to see both of you having another partner....i aready try to accept the truth aready... why cant ya... damn it... most hurt when you said... 'OKAY THEN IF YOU WAN GO KL THIS FRIDAY DEN GO THEN... YOUR 900BUCKS NO NEED I RETURN FOR IT..'' what the helll i aready not enough money... i buy stuff and i borrowed money to ya... and my salary... really damn unfair and doesn't mean you wan me stay me like that... damn it... most hurt when she said that ''WHY YOU WAN GO NOW? WHY CANT LATER? WHO GONNA FETCH NELSON? YOU WAN MAKE ME MORE SAN FU IZZIT? YOU WAN MAKE BOTH OF US TIRED IZZIT?'' WHAT THE HELL... I REALLY SO DAMN PISS OFF OF THIS KIND OF ATTITUDE ALREADY... I'M SICK OF IT... i not your maid or puppet... what the hell you wan ? haiz... i do adore you... and i already try become the best and aready try to become tough ... and also try to become the good gal... and listen to you... but how could you treated me like this.... you dun wan me continue study and wan me straight away learn business i really cant do it... cause i really wan feel the friends feelings.... i wanna have normal life like others normal student normal.... have a lots of friends and share the laugh and cry together... not sitting alone at the corner and push away all the fun from friend... what the hell... i always push away all my friend invite me... but guess i think i push a lots... that's why now i feel so lonely and more sad man... recently i need to have pils like panadols and flu medicine to make me sleep...cause i had nightmare recently and really hard to sleep.... i do jealous why you all got thr friend when you need it... and have the fun together... i do miss all the time together when with friends... haiz... really dunno why felt so lonely... haiz.... if i tell my boy about it... i know he will start thinking that why cant i tell him this.... i'm sorry... not to say not dun wan tell you... just... i dun wan you sad and even though i tell you... you'll said i'm not mature... cause you not me.... you cant know how it feels like and how much pain i'm going thru.... and how much tears i fall ... haiz... really so sad and felt left out... and so sad and tired to face it... i'm tired to become their daughter... i'm tired of it... really so sad and face it... haiz...

haiz...baby i'm sorry...

2009-07-02T06:53:00.000-07:00

... this time i just wanna say sorry to someone that had care for me so much... i know it wont help so much... i know you had try so hard to help me and tried make me happy... but... it din't really work ... i'm sorry... but sometimes you do make me happy ... but sometimes you don't... sometimes when i need you.. and you are not there for me... haiz... accually i do hate night... cause at night i really cant sleep well.... and maybe i use to it... where i always got someone to call and cheer me up before i sleep... and sometimes i do hate when someone who had made a promise and dint do it.. i really so offended... i'm sorry... i know you had suffer a lots.. and tried so hard to change... i know you are sad for me and worry me... i'm sorry...i made you sad... it's my fault... i'm sorry i recently kinda sad... and i'm sorry i made you so tense... i know sometimes you stress for others thing... sorry baby... that's why i dint say so much... cause i scare i make you more tense... i'm sorry baby... it's my fault... haiz.. i really dunno wanna do what .. and recently .. maybe i not enough sleep and tired aready... that's why hair keep falling... each time i wash my hair... both of my hand also damn a lots of hair... really freaks me a lots... but... hair falll also nothing... i dint really scare about it... haiz... sorry baby my fault make you so sad... and make you cant happy and make you so tense....sorry i cant give you hapiness....i'm sorry i cant do anything...my fault..

~hard decision~

2009-07-01T19:39:00.000-07:00

... haiz... yesterday nite was a freaking hell day man.. haiz... what the hell... i told her about the KL thingy de.. haiz... i told her i'll be back.. but she keep said i wont back... said daddy might do many stuff to stay me at here.. what can i do and said.. i aready told her about the thingy de.. i told her i aready promise daddy... and i also promise you too... for what you need to worry... haiz... dunno why once i talk about i'm going to KL work she dint really encourage me... she only said i know KL is the good place to learn and gain experience... but you know rite... your base on your daddy now situation... he cant afford to have a shop... haiz... if can also is your daddy that lady help in it only... if you think you have a chance that you can get the shop .. then you go ahead... if you go there for working i prefer you dun... haiz... what the hell what can i say about now... haiz... why can she tolerate with it... haiz... why cant she und about it.... why i had promise daddy to help him in shop... cause i have been rejected daddy thing for few times aready... haiz... and i dun wan reject once more ... aready daddy ask me to stay with him.. but i rejected cause i scare if my mum condition... and i know why my mum wanna stay me here... cause she also cant let go of me... and scare me like daddy foot step only... even though like that...also cant de ma.. i know what i should do aready... and pls dun force me to do something... i have areedy waste one year at here... and i had aready become your beloved and good daughter... why cant you tolerate about it... haiz... i had stay with you aready 18years... now i go for 2month you aready like this... keep say many things to stay here... haiz....what the hell man... i really dunno what's in my mind now... cause i already had enough de... at here... it's like no appreciation at here... i at home or not already not the matter de... i dint tell out so early cause i wanna see what can it be... but in a sudden i only notice that i already nothing to my family at here de... that's why i wanna try stay KL for couple of week... i know my heart are fragile... pls... dun do this kind of things to me... each time i speak out you also band it... and dun wan i take it... okay fine... i already listen to you and help lou tou in acc... and what do i get? the problem is... i already tried so hard to like it... but i cant... i cant even make it to like it in business and acc... haiz... i already tried so hard... and i'm tired of it... haiz... and i told her about after this week i'm not going to work de... this week will be my last week... i got 2week before i go KL i wan to go have fun and enjoy myself... actually i wanna learn cook and bake cake at home... and search for new things... but... haiz.. my told me ... why should you? you suppose to work till half month on 15.. den i told her... not necessary... i dun wan... den she said... if then... deal... tomorrow dun go work... no need you work already... since your heart already not here... haiz... what can i say now.. i told her not my heart is not there... i'm still here and my heart still here... den lou tao help me say... i'll fetch nelson to school for that two weeks.. den her voice up like scold ppl... haiz... said i dun need you fetch nelson... i'll be fetching nelson to school... and you do not need to have the transport anymore.... you wan out you walk out... no car are allow... den i said deal... haiz... the way she talk it''s like i'm the bad ppl... i already try to calm me down and hold back my tears de... but... she keep think like that i also cant help much... why cant she und me more... then i go back to room... den lou tou said... she told me de... but only scare you angry... den mum scold me and said... why should i become the last person to know everything ....haiz... i also speechless... haiz... just because i promise daddy i go KL work.. she like that... haiz... i dunno wanna help which side... if i help daddy side my mummy do so much things to make me stay...and she sad too ... haiz... what can i say...if i go help daddy side... the same thing occur... haiz... why life so complicated and hard to decide... i already quiet for few years... no one know what i''m thinking about... what the hell i'm thinking... haiz... really so damn piss out and damn freaking sad man... why all this thing happen to me... haiz...i hate to become middle person... hate it a lots...haiz... why should it be me... why should i have the things... daddy just called me about taking my ic and stuff... i told him i'm not gonna make epf first... den he said okay... and said ... ask me to search things... for the shop... but... the only thing is ... i dunno how and what to do... and he sent a msg to me that ask me to join cooking course... haiz... as my mum expected... haiz... why la... why should i had it.... what should i study la... i wanna take culinary chef.... but... the problem is ..., where should i study... KL or ipoh? if i could choose i wanna study out from this country... not here...the worst is made my mum creid yesterday... my heart really so damn pain... haiz... and i hate to see this kind of situation... makes me i'm the bad ppl... haiz... i just wan both of them happy not sad ... why cant i make it... haiz... i aready suffer a lots de why should you make it more worst... why????

so damn bored...

2009-07-01T00:42:00.000-07:00

... gees... so boring in office... doing nothing... what la... but anyway cant wait to go KL work... hopefully nothing happen .... what la... haiz...what can i say today... too bored and bored and damn bored... dunno what's in my mind now... really so sianz man... msn no ppl... facebook what la dun have ... so sianz... what la....

morning hell..

2009-06-28T05:51:00.000-07:00

gees... morning... really damn freaking bad mood... cause out of sudden mum and him quarrel... quarrel till mum almost jump out from car... gees... kinda heartache... seeing them like that.. so tense... if continue like this i'm really gonna runaway from home... gees... really so sad in morning... no ... should say i have already sad for few month or few years... but anyway.. lucky my boy made me happy...he won 300 adidas bag... hehe.. very geng... haha... atleast he win i happy... and he realize one thing in his life... and both of them already okay... but only notice... she and him quarrel is because of three of us... haiz.. dunno wanna say is good or bad... good is someone und about it... bad is i always get scolded & insulted... anyway... kinda settle... i'm going to KL next month help my father ... work as chef.. for 2month... and come back on oct... help my mum.. and nov take exam... at least i leave this home... and try to explore and gain more experience...see ba... hopefully can work out something and pay out something... blog next time... need off... before my mum came back...

i"m sick of it... haiz...

2009-06-27T06:51:00.000-07:00

.... really dunno what's in his mind.... what the hell... i was suppose to make few dishes... haiz... just for the father day celebration... haiz... in out of sudden ... everything turn badly.... haiz.... really so disappointed... haiz... i made shark fin,mixed pork,raped vege,and sotong kangkung... and few more dishes... but out of sudden not only i not enough time and i also get humiliation... what said the soup was RUBBISH!!1 WHAT RUBBISH YOU COOK? what the hell... how hurt is that? den b4 that i took 1 & half hours to make it... he said i took 3hours... what the F*ck la... haiz... cause me when back office at 4sum reach jj also almost 5 la... den shop and buy things need re read the recipe.. also need time la... ppl suppose to plan on tomorrow mum suddenly wan me make it today... everything too rush... and i haven really actually plan... what the hell him... haiz... reach home about 6sum... prepare food and cut things b4 7 de... den said i cook at kitchen took 3hours... haiz... even mum also think i like that... and she also said mee so careless and no planning... what the hell ...not even thx or what ... i dun wish him to say thx to me... just hope he like it...but... ends up... he not... he keep insult about my food... i prepare shark fin and sotong... ivan prepare fried pork and pandan chicken... nelson help me raped the vege... all also i taste de... i prepare taste de... my bro make de nice and doesn't complain much... only me... COOK THAT RUBBISH SOUP!!! F*CK HIM !!! I HATE EVERYONE HERE... HOW LONG DO YOU WAN ME TO STAND ALL THIS SHIT... I HATE IT ALL.... !!! haiz... what i do also wrong... keep complain about me... even today... very damn shit de... what the hell...he ask bro weather today got watch movie not.. bro said no... den lou tao said ''you only know pak to with him de la... your tortoise also no heart de.. if got jau early go buy la.. no money izzit dun wan buy for bro izzit... i pay la'' den i said back la..'' it's not the money matter... it's already fully book sumor it's new movie.. and normally also paid de la.. since when they'll watch movie pay money...''' den he keep quiet''... haiz... really dunno what's in his mind... like keep wan me to break with him like that... i dunno what the shit he thinks... he lose money he keep scold me... haiz... den who shall i find? and talk? why all like keep bullying me... why at this home like no one cares me...i hate staying at here... make me more useless and sadness... feel like gonna insane de... haiz... felt so lonely at this home...

Released....sad case...of MJ

2009-06-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

....geess.... really d*mn *ucking tired... whole night dint sleep ma... thx to the thunder... what the helll freaks me out.... what la... so sakai de ... teng.... kinda afraid to sleep alone... what la..plus now me getting sick sick dei... hard to concentrate... gees.... what la.... dunno how to stand it man.... what la... all i know... I'm really da*m tired.... *yawn* what la... now at office really sianz... but anyway...just finish my test.... kinda released....although i keep humiliate by some ppl... but... anyway... gotta face it... what to do... after work here i might go KL de... too tense at here....but depends ba... hope i can... do what i wanna do... gees... morning... what a sad case... MJ(micheal jackson) dead in morning at 4am morning...gees... sad to hear it.... like his few songs... etc: 'You're not alone'... gees.. sad man... dunno wanna write what sumor... neck pain... back pain... stomache... D*nm it...

who i'm i to them?

2009-06-20T21:13:00.000-07:00

haiz.... yestersday night really suffer a lots.... haiz...what can i say about this time... haiz... yesterday nite we play mahjung.. and i lose till almost 40sum... but that doesn't really matter... when i play i always keep get scolded... keep get the blame... haiz... i got one time i accidenlly fall the thing on table mum said my heart not in it... simply play and i get scolded... haiz... lou tao said me tis and that... haiz... really dunno what the hell they'll wan... haiz... den mum even compare to my bro said that you bro might be much more better than you if he learn... accually i dun use to gamble de...haiz... what can i do... try to make them happy ... but... haiz... really sad case.... this few day really dunno what's in their mind...i din do wrong also get scold i do wrong more worst.. haiz... me is like the bean bag to them like that... haiz... what can i said... I REALLY SICK OF THIS KIND OF LIFE DE!!!! why i had to suffer all this kind of things.... even at night i cried alone... i just one find him to talk with... but... haiz... he asleep.... haiz... TOO MUCH PAIN I HAD AREADY!!!! I'M NOT THE BEAN BAG FOR YOU'LL TO PUNCH OR SCOLD!!! I REALLY HAD ENOUGH FOR ALL THIS... WHY SHOULD I? WHY ME... NOW EVN WROST THAT I REALLY LIKE WHAT I DID ALSO WRONG... I DO GOOD THINGS FOR THEM AND THEY DINT REALLY LIKE IT.. HAIZ... LIKE MORE WOSRT ... I AREADY TRY TO BE GOOD GIRL AND TRY TO ME TOUGH... BUT I CANT... WHAT I DID ARE ALWAYS WRONG... ALL OF THEM IS RIGHT... EVEN I ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION ALSO GET SCOLDED... WHAT THE HECK WITH ALL THIS.. JESUS CHRIST... HAIZ.... why me.... yesterday nite i do think of drink beers or anything to realease it... really tired of this kind of things aready... haiz.... just wan someone to let me realease all this things... so damn fucking suffer to walk this thing alone... as i said i'm longer in this family anymore... lou tao got nelson... mummy got ivan... and i? belong to no one....just alone hiding at the side... and cried alone in the room... no one cares like last time... no one knew what i had suffer... no onw knew that i had so much stress... i tried to forget it... but they'll keep make me to remember it... loss memories... haiz... really had so much pain...since i was young.... soon gonna have my retest... haiz.... always said i'll fail this and that... haiz... lazyy to bother.... and i notice something recently lou tao keep said you and him break up de la... this and that really hurts me a lots... if i break off again... all i can say is i'm become so LONELY AGAIN!!!

felt so lonely and left out

2009-06-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

really dunno why suddenly got this kind of feel... really too frust for everything aready.... whatever it happen let it be... life is like a game... once you cant handle it... you lose and being left out... family to me is nothing aready... each time at home also keep quiet... think i'm no longer like last time aready... in love life... aready like gonna broken into few pieces... dunno why... out of sudden i cant even feel the love that i had it last time... i know i give him a lots of pressure... but sometimes i do wan to let it go... maybe he could put more effort in it... haiz... like last time i get higher marks... he also upset... cause he cant think... maybe i think i give a lots of pressure to him.. sometimes i did think that...if i really leave him will he prove to me that he could? sometimes i really dun get und of him... dunno why...haiz... recently easy get quarrel and sad... i'm sorry... friends to me now is like water... it comes and go ... when they need help they'll find ... when they don't... they'll dun even wanna find you or anything... haiz... really din't know what's going on me recently... always felt so lonely... haiz.. who i'm i? last time i use to be make ppl happy and did smile a lots... but now... just sit at side and hard to face things... and less talk...use to be with a lots of friends last time.. but now... gotta face it alone... each time at office alone sometimes really do freak me out... cause i use to be alone at here... haiz... my life is like getting to lonelyness world again...haiz... just wan someone that can help me pass it.. haiz...i dun wan to hurt anyone aready... i had enough ... haiz...

still thinking in progress

2009-06-17T21:40:00.000-07:00

....erm... reallyy dunno what i wanna talk now... cause there's a lots of things still in mind now... gees... reallly hard man.. to decide the things... but anyway.. my dear left.. cause she going for her national service.. out of sudden i also miss it badly.. the moment at there really nice... really enjoy... and a lots of of *bitch too... haiz... what to do... what la... in camp that moment really enjoy.. really likes it.. it's like heaven.. no worries... and thinks... although is sufferingbut atleast i did enjoy at there... hehe... miss it a lots man... but too bad one of my friends accidently deleted the video.. that i play with M-16.. gess.. that was the most fun... hehe..but anyway ... kinda fun miss all the moment...haiz... wish i can go back there... at here really a lots of things to think about it... and so frustrated for everythings de... haiz.... till now i also dunno decide who yet... aih... KL or IPOH... shit la... haiz... fan sei yan... i still dun dare to speak out...i wan go back NS err...

haiz... another moody day i guess...

2009-06-15T00:06:00.000-07:00

yesterday celebrate my belated b'day and dear's going to NS soon... reallly gonna miss her...and yesterday we had our dinner at sushi king... and watch movie at night... "Drag me to hell" gess... that freaking movie kinda scares me a lots man... what the heck ... till my neck pain ... what the heck/....what la... that time at night ... i was driving alone... kinda scare... cause i'm alone.. but really dunno y when i was driving that time really scares me.. freak me... hehe... but anyway... i reach home safely... in the morning i wake... gees.. neck still pain... really kinda lazy... cause going to work... afternoon i meet my boy... and bought a guitar and tuner... cost around 200sum.. but... dunno why i can feel that his eyes like red red... dunno wheather my clothing or money... haiz... really kinda hurts me ... dunno why...haiz... i know his care me... but... really dunno why i'm the one who is sad... on saturday... i really wanna find someone to talk too... cause i that time i had a lots in my mind... accually on that day i waited him till 2sum am... haiz... he reply me once that time aready 1 sum.. i dint notice the phone cause i was doing somethinf else... but... really dunno why... each time i need him... mostly he not with me... kinda makes me more sad ... but sometimes... i do feel happy when i'm with him... only depends... haiz... really kinda a lots in my mind now... almost each night i cried... but i also dunno cry for what ... really... hate myself...i dunno...haiz... hiaz... out of sudden lou tao said me and him might be broke up... i really duno why... but that word kinda freaks me a lots... haiz... makes me sometimes really wanna feel alone... reallyy afraid of it... haiz... all also going de... nothing has left... one of my friend said i had change a lots... where i aready change to more emo and cool... and doesn't know the value of a friends... haiz... maybe i do hurts a lots ppl i guess.. that's why make me feel so lonely i guess... i dunno... who knows... alone in the room... looking to 4walls... really... haiz... make me more scare and letting me down... last time i use to be very tough.. but once i'm getting older i dun think i can be so tough anymore... it's like getting more weak and weak... dunno why...did i really change?

either one of this... haiz...

2009-06-13T06:43:00.000-07:00

haiz... went to penang.. on thursday... gees... quite bored accually... but... haiz... now only know what my dad wanna tell me... he said it's about work... he gonna open one shop... and wants me to help him... the shop will be open on august.. but... haiz... too fan to think bout it... i only choose either KL or ipoh... ipoh i got my own business.. but haven register... KL is learn basic... and help dad... haiz... salary will be higher.... but... haiz... i also dunno... dad ask me to tell mum to let me go/.... and wanna me to help... said i'm big enuf to have my way and road... but... haiz... i also dunno how... daddy wan me continuee study,,,, mum not really... haiz..really tired of it... haiz... both also my parents.. really hard to face it.. i scare they might be quarrel only.. haiz...

2009-06-10T05:52:00.000-07:00

haiz... what la... so sianz... what the hell... really dunno what happen.... why out of sudden really feel so moody... till... almost get bang by car... haiz... what la... reach home also get scold..haiz... really dunno what happen.. dunno why today so sad... and moody..haiz...

that's me...

2009-06-10T02:01:00.000-07:00

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve

2009-06-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

what can i say about today? haiz.. really dunno why felt llike so left out... dunno why... suddenlly heartpain although he hold my hand... haiz.. really wonder why... really dunno why kinda heartache.. haiz.. today really not really good in mood.. nvr even smile loudly or what ... haiz... another bad day.. really... haiz...

had a BAD DAY!!!!!

2009-06-08T19:15:00.000-07:00

What a unlucky day...morning jau car spoil... later reach office nag from father... cause need repair car.. gonna cost few hundred bucks... haiz... really disaster... i was suppose go tuition.. haiz... lao tao keep nag and nag... till i cant stand anymore... reaally what the hell... haiz... DAMN FUCKING NO MOOD!!!!! my god.. haiz.. just now... ppl wan take a bath... but out of sudden the iron board fell and ends up my hand had another scar.. gees ... really pain man... what the hell ggoing on today.. really sucks man!!!!

still wonder...

2009-06-08T00:23:00.001-07:00

today.. em.. nothing to say much... like normal day... wake... and go for tuition... haiz... tuition that time really tired,,,... and just wonder why he was so sad.... haiz... i know the question was kinda hard .... but dunno why he still so sad like that... out of sudden he moody walk off... haiz... really sad and hurts...haiz.. dunno le... i also hurs and worried about you la... wonder you got study or anything not... wonder if i'm the burden for you... haiz... really so sad leh... anything if you wan success you must gain de la... haiz... just sometimes you den make it out... i really dunno what you thinking about... haiz... i always ask wonder can you make it happy.. but each time you sad i tried... haiz... really dunno how to say.. wonder do you know what i still thinking not...or un about me

another sad day...

2009-06-08T00:09:00.000-07:00

haiz.... on saturday...morning wake like normal day... go for a breakfast ... come back and continue cook... for my boy mother .... cook chicken curry... gees.. for the first time of my life... i cook i was so damn sucxx... normally i cook it was so perfect but dunno why .. haiz... too sad to cook it.. friday night ... mum ask me wonder wan buy wattch not.. den i said i dun wan ... den keep wak me choose fine i choose den she said and ask me use my own ... den i said i dun wan lo... cause i wanna keep my money for my own education and others usage... gees... i wass 178buck... for one watch... better not to have it lu...den i keep quiet... den she said i angry... and giving those kind of face... haiz... if i keep argue with her sure many things happen but if i keep quiet less things happen... scold till saturday also the same thhing... that's why i cook so suxx.. even mum ask me to throw in the dustbin... haiz... what the heck... haiz... hurts me a lots... after i sent things to the house... we'll went to club... and i accidently step on ivan fishing rod... haiz... damn piss off... really felt like so left out on that day/...haiz... so lonely at home... too much pain i had...

finally/....

2009-06-07T23:58:00.000-07:00

last friday...another 1hours before end of my work on that day... me and him were chatting like normal friends... although we on the web cam.. i dint feel hurts or sad anymore... guess i aready take him as my friend and let it go.. i think... anyways felt so happy ... cause i knew i like the one is who aready... the one who is always concern about me.. and taking care to me...

another sad day

2009-06-04T19:39:00.000-07:00

yesterday night play mahjung again... lost few RM... keep scolded by mum... haiz... yesterday night make me felt like left out... dunno why... at night hide in the blanky.. tears start falling... out of sudden can feel the pain... just wish.. how good if ppl come and hug me... but... i know i still need to wait... gees... really wan ppl hug and lend me a shoulder to me.... reallly so tense... recently really dunno y i always cry... really too much pain i had de.... haiz.... worry my study... and works.... haiz... why life really so hard... haiz... i tried to face it... but it's really hard to do it...

2009-06-03T23:44:00.000-07:00

haiz... today.. out of sudden he msn me... and at the same time... heart little pain.. i wonder did i stilll cant let him go... but i think ... i'm still trying... later on... i had my lunch.. but... really no appetite... haiz... dunno y...and out of sudden dunno y i wrote thing on his blog... and he told me the blog is not for put feelings... accually even myself dunno y i write on it.. thinks of so many things... haiz... even my bebe.. haiz...when he msn me... he said.. i have change a lots.. not the one who i 'm last time i know... haiz..... dunno y i reply him...last time is aready dead...not anymore like last time... and i ask my boy... i'm i change a lots.. he also reply me... yea i did change a lots... haiz.... acually i dint know y i turn to like this... makes me felt like left out... and sometimes i felt that i was so lonely.... haiz.. dunno y i scare to hurt the ppl i like aready... sometimes i do feel that i wanna 別れるwith him... not that say he not good enough... just.... i scare i hurt him... i dun wan let him hurt and see him sad...haizz.... depends how ba...

心臓ブレーカ

2009-06-03T21:50:00.000-07:00

what i can say about now... recently.... too much to tense off.. everything had been control by my Mum... my career and future it's all decide aready... too my much pain i had aready... all diffrent kind feels i had it aready... still wonder why always like that.....why i hadn't a choice to choose... why others ppl can have the feel of family... but why i cant feel anything at all... i always sit alone at home... speachless... to talk... now aready 18... makes me feel like 8 .... always being control... haiz... why? too much pain i had... this few weeks really dunno why... every night hide in my blanky and out of sudden my tears started to fall... i wish i could lost my memories... alll.... at once...how good is that if really happen....